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Slowly

Wrote my second paying post yesterday, and have just watched it deployed. I picked a quite controversial subject matter (at least in my mind) and I’m actually very proud of how it has turned out. What this proves to me is that my ability to string together a number of disparate subjects into a coherent post has really developed in the last year. It is an indicator of a solid understanding and grasping of what is a craft. To do this well will take a lifetime of practice. I also appear to have some PR work coming up. That’s going to be interesting.

I didn’t actually mention the details of the new job last week because I’m sort of waiting to see what happens with being paid. I should (I believe) get something for at least one of my Podcast endeavours as well, but I haven’t yet found the courage to broach this.  Once this actually happens I sense I’ll probably relax a bit.

Until then, I’m still not sure this part of my life is actually legitimate or not.

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Bothered

Not sure if it is the time of the month or not, but things are bothering me.

Paranoia can get a bit heightened when I’m hormonal, I’ll freely admit, and of late I have been rattling cages a bit harder than normal, but I genuinely think some people are attempting to unsettle my equilibrium. Therefore, I have started muting on Twitter again, even though it flies against my basic principle of blocking out the whiny attention-seeking wankers because even they have a relevance if you want an objective viewpoint. I’m also genuinely disturbed by events off the beaten track of my main feed, which I keep trying to avoid but which part of me thinks might be about to become a contention.

Why is it that people need stuff like this in their lives to begin with?

I like my existence quiet and without Drama. Despite what some people might think, you should never go looking for trouble anywhere, because down that path both madness and self-destruction lie. My Spider Sense of such things is normally pretty sound, and knowing what I have gleaned in the four or so years I’ve been hanging around the Social Media Circus that Twitter can often be, you should never, EVER allow yourself to get backed into a corner, or not think really carefully before you hit ‘Tweet.’ It is really easy to see why many people simply won’t go there anyway. I’ll freely admit that if I want to talk about myself at length it’s the last place I’m going to go. A lot of thought goes into every 140 character slab. Most, of not all of it now is very deliberately considered for exactly the reasons I know most people just don’t bother. Friday’s events show that some people’s view of the service is simple: it’s a disconnection mechanism.

If you really cared you wouldn’t be so fucking contrary to begin with.

Anyway, I’ve written close to 12,000 words today of total non-fiction. I really ought to do some of the other as a matter of principle

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Lost

Unless you know what it’s like to live with a mental illness, there is never any way I can adequately describe how some days your World simply disintegrates. But it does. However hard you try, however strong you think you are, how well you believe you can cope? Some days it just all evaporates and you are left with a vast void that sucks you into oblivion.

When everyone is celebrating life around you as a result, it can get very difficult to function correctly, and you don’t want fuss or attention, you just want to get through to the other side.

Sometimes it is absolutely not about sharing everything with the whole World

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Here We Go Again

Having a big, highly charged emotional day yesterday means that today I am mentally fucked. This always happens: lots of drama and excitement, and then BOOM down the other way I go. It doesn’t help matters that it’s been quite packed since Monday, and I’ve written the equivalent of a small Novella in terms of word output. I also have done a considerable amount of Gym work and frankly, all this together?

The worst thing of all is there’s a bazillion things I still want to write all at once and I simply can’t get anything coherent out of my head at all.

ARGH WHY DOES MY BODY DO THIS TO ME? :(

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Surprise

Today, I was offered a job to write a weekly gaming column for real money on my chosen subject. I did of course accept. First post will be up on Wednesday.

Today, I also saw the worst in a number of people which came as absolutely no surprise at all. Because undoubtedly when you joyfully and spontaneously announce summat good happened to you, the Internet likes to kick you in the crotch. This abuse came in several forms, but all of it can, thankfully for me be utterly removed and is being so right now. This isn’t because I want to be just surrounded who people who care and understand. I get the world is cruel and heartless and wants to attack you at every step.

If you take everything I say and do as a massive personal affront I cannot help. I just *can’t*, you’re on your own. If this is how you survive, if you can live life like this, then I wish you all the best but honestly, we have nothing to say to each other. Not because I won’t have a dialogue with you, but I just cannot get through. You are not listening. You do not hear me, only what you think I’m saying. I don’t hate you, I have no idea who you are, but you seem to think you know me very well indeed. Except you don’t, there is just the belief this is the case.

This is no basis for anything at all.

Therefore I’m going to expend my energy on more important things and stuff and gubbins.

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Consistency

I’m sorry, it’s been four days since my last post, but in good news, this time has been hugely productive. I’ve spent quite a lot of it arguing with people, if truth be told, but having taken some steps to remove a lot of the dead wood from my life the results have been… well, interesting. What this does prove is that some people are absolutely desperate to be part of your party, whether you like it or not, to the point that they’ll just keep talking to you regardless of whether you want them to. In fact, after a while, that just gets scary and stalkery.

Because actually, it is.

Interestingly my Social Media has begin to evolve under its own steam. I’ll take the time currently to deliberately unfollow the obvious bots and accounts who have no interest in actually reading or following me, and I’ll watch certain people arrive one day and then leave the next, only to return again a few days later. Some people come for a specific reason and then leave when they get what they want. Others favourite every word I say to the point where I have to mute them or all I see are my Tweets bouncing through my feed over and over again. It is odd to see all these versions of ‘following’ all at once, and I suppose this is what I have to look forward to if things continue to grow and evolve in the way they have.

As long as I continue to feel comfortable, I don’t mind at all.

I am also hugely grateful for my ‘family’ readers, which includes a great many of you here, just for keeping me sane. You do mostly by doing nothing special except be yourselves, which I wish more people would do… but you can’t have everything. I’ll do my best to not lose the people on the feed who I know genuinely contribute to my daily life, but I get that after a while, you may not be interested in gaming chat any more. Just because this has been my life since I was seven doesn’t mean the rest of you should or will feel that way. The key to consistency is not to make everyone end up as a version of you. It’s to allow people just to be what they are.

I’ll get there eventually, I hope.