Tragedy

I didn’t write here yesterday. I need to explain why.

There is a lot of work that needs doing: physically, mentally, intellectually. Normally this would be a nightmare, but that would be the old me talking. The new me has a plan, timelines and precise objectives. It knows what is priority, and how long that will take. It also appreciates that to move forward; intractability is not an option.

Therefore, slowly but surely, the work is being done. We will get fourteen bits of exercise complete in the first seven days of June, just not as evenly as would have been liked, but that can be better organized next week. It means my major poetry project will be first drafted at the end of the day, to be edited next week. It also ensures that everything else, on the list, is written and completed when it is needed.

After that, there are consequences to deal with. This poetry’s disturbed a lot of silt at the bottom of the memory tank: we’ll need to look at what exactly has been unearthed, in time. There are other parts of my life that are quietly poking me, pointing out that they need to be addressed too. There’s still far too much sugar to be healthy.

However, if this is doable for the rest of the month and (all willing) any major disasters can be avoided? Wow, I wanna live like this more. Work gets done, I am happy with it and (crucially) there is creativity of the like I have not previously experienced. This is like writing the poems last year only 100 times more awesome. I am doing the best work possible, and that’s not even close to being hyperbole.

Next up, therefore, I’m launching a proper YouTube Channel, because apparently video is the future, or summat. I dunno, kids today with your Instagram lifestyles… which reminds me, that’s gotta be restarted at some point…

So much to do, always no time.

Think

Saying nothing, until you are capable of formulating a rational answer. It is a lost art, especially amongst the political. They would rather grasp the immediacy of the visual metaphor. It’s cleaner, easier and only requires your military to tear-gas a couple of blocks and not shut down the whole damn Capitol. Except, of course sometimes that’s the unintended visual metaphor everybody else will make the best capital from.

When we all look back on the last week, properly grasping that ridiculous is defined by the last thing that made us think we’d seen everything but clearly haven’t the visual will be what defines this year. It was when companies finally grasped that just sticking up a black block then pretending to care wasn’t actually enough any more.

The bigger truth is that the lies are now so much more apparent when there’s no other shit to cloud people’s minds. By being stuck inside, many have had epiphanies the like of which never really took place when the fascists were voted into power. It has become the perfect storm of information + comprehension = understanding.

As the scales fall from an awful lot of people’s eyes, will you just decide it’s all too much and walk away, or will you understand this is an opportunity that comes around once in a lifetime. Are you about to grasp the opportunity presented, or simply return to the vacuous life you had before because, in the end, all you really care about is yourself.

You are seen, in every connotation of the Urban Dictionary definition.

Time to make the difficult decisions.

Shipbuilding

For all of you that were really hoping you could avoid politics in 2020, NEWSFLASH it never, ever left. You pretended (often vainly) to look the other way and hope you could just keep using Twitter to publicise your gaming stream, or post your screenshots. Of course, this is still utterly valid as a means of promoting yourself, but that’s part of the problem.

You are pretending that nothing is wrong, that you can just carry on as normal, which IS THE PROBLEM. I appreciate you have hopes, dreams, aspirations and desires, but if those are more important than accepting and acknowledging you are involved in all this shit, then you’re being selfish. There, I said it. What are you doing to change the way you think?

Visual metaphors are damning. It makes it quite easy to see who isn’t coping right now. Those who have to tell me that they’re doing something in case it wasn’t clear. I know your mental health’s not good right now. I know you think nobody cares. I not only understand this but accept that as part of a wider narrative.

It’s why so many of you have gone quiet. Tweeting counts as a visual metaphor too. I get that. Someone will undoubtedly turn up and remind us all to stop being so serious and lighten up, and they will in part be correct, but maybe they too will have missed the larger point at play here. We are in a period of SIGNIFICANT societal change.

That means, quite possibly, that your playtime is over for now.

Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should. The choices made in the next four weeks will alter the next six months, and yet many people only seem to care about their own needs, NOW, and this is what has to change with speed… because, if it doesn’t, there is the potential for tens of thousands of people to die, and a Second Wave of COVID 19 to rise.

If all you care about is buying stuff, you are part of the problem. If all you care about is getting sport back, you are part of the problem. If all you care about are your own superficial desires, YOU ARE PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLEM and it is probably the moment to grasp that life and death are more important than entitlement and superiority.

Except, of course, you won’t, and never will.

You Will Fill My Head

I didn’t blog yesterday. It was not the therapy required. Yesterday I watched a country fight and kill its own citizens, before sending two of them into space. This is a strange old set of circumstances we find ourselves within. How I deal with this, plus the ongoing pandemic, has been the subject of much thought.

How do you show support when you are the problem? It is a subject a lot of us will be considering at length in the weeks that follow. Those who don’t give a fuck are already using hashtags such as #AllLivesMatter. I was one of those people, once upon a time, who did not understand just how much of an insult that really is.

All of us come to these revelations at our own pace. You need to be willing to look past your own personal circumstances and towards a better, more realistic viewpoint. Amazingly, as your horizons broaden, it is amazing to look back and grasp just how fucking bigoted the world is that you’ve left behind. There are rules too. They really do matter.

As #7 in this list is not to allow your ego to dictate the direction of this change, I’m not going to say anything more except that we all have different paths which can be trodden for renaissance. Everybody brings a unique skill set to this particular party. The key, of course, is not to let your own aspiration overtake the significance of this moment.

There will be those who believe this is their platform to fame. That much is already obvious, and although I appreciate the sentiment behind this, America’s obsession with wealth has already caused a schism that may now be impossible to heal. Commercialism has destroyed everything, yet without it there’d not be Americans in space.

There is a phenomenal amount of shit that needs fixing in the World. By far the best place to begin that process is with yourself. We can all be better, I don’t care who you are. Nobody is perfect. All of us can make a difference.

Begin the process of improvement with yourself before you dare believe you’re worthy of doing so to anyone else.

Ready to Go

PLANT TO THE FACE

Been a long week, friends. Lot has taken place, not all of it great, but you know that. The bigger issue is how this all pans out going forward, as was discussed yesterday, and so I’m ready to go. Having applied a much-needed plant to my own face, and reorganised exercise days in order for me to maximise my output today, it is time to alter direction.

Time to turn the supertanker around.

This will take a while.

Comfortably Numb

Nobody watched that last video I made. Not one person. That’s the trouble with metrics, they tell you who’s listening, like it or not, so when that thing you’ve worked on for three weeks goes out into the world, you know what’s going on. It tells me exactly who is reading this, or listening to my Twitter feed.

In the future, you know exactly how popular you are, and how if you chose it would be easy just to sweep all that shit it would be easier to ignore under the carpet and move on. Except, that fails to factor in that moment when suddenly everybody does want to read your stuff or consume your content. Then it all comes out in the wash.

That’s why we who do all this every day need to be honest about processes.

This isn’t about other people. It is ALWAYS about you, the process of growth as a human being. My biggest single issue with stuff like this is the complete lack of response that inevitably results when posting content that nobody sees: it’s just part of the process. You cannot expect 24/7 praise and adoration, it’s just not sustainable.

On the flip side, once you produce something that garners the ire of someone, or increasingly a group of well-programmed Eastern European robots, the desire to share can fall through the floor. That’s the other side of this coin: desperate for feedback or input, what happens if that doesn’t go the way you anticipated? How do you bounce back in that situation?

You keep doing the miles. That’s the game, forward motion by whatever means possible, and if your immortal soul is damaged along the way, one could reasonably argue it is the price one pays for exposure. We could spend an awful lot of time debating how cruel and unfair the world is, but it won’t change the basic, underlying principle that if you stand where people can see you, and say stuff you like but they don’t, there is an inevitable consequence.

The bigger issue undoubtedly is that discourse is broken. It’s been that way since Brexit in this country and now a Government who thought everybody would forget their fuck up because that’s what happened before is waking up to the reality of what results when emotion supersedes action. You don’t just pretend stuff never took place then move on. Some actions destroy emotional trust forever.

We’re all living and breathing that now. It won’t go away. It’s never going away as the truth of this Government’s incompetency becomes increasing difficult to simply ignore: when the Second Wave of infections cripples the NHS in a couple of months time because shops were opened in an attempt to deflect attention away from that stupidity, one hopes there might be an alternative to living hell.

However, that doesn’t happen. We can’t have a General Election if it could infect thousands more people. What we can do however is grow long memories and not forget just how staggeringly incompetent these people were that many, many people voted in to do so… and when the time comes, make a change that might facilitate an overall shift in consciousness.

Never forget just how interaction matters to each one of us.

Pull Up to the Bumper

EXERCISE POST
[you were warned]

The last few days really have not gone as I had hoped they would. There’s quite a strong temptation right now to just say ‘fuck it’ to everything and go play Animal Crossing until my brain turns to mush, but we have moved forward from those days. Therefore, there has to be a plan. What that means practically, in the short term, is not exercising today.

If I have learnt anything in all of this chaos, it is listening to my own flesh on days when everything is falling apart. On other days I would have pushed myself under the auspice of being determined, brave, solid. Today, I drink a lot, we address what’s been dropped over the last two days and tomorrow, we start again because today, suddenly, is not about pretending this is coping. It isn’t. This is repair work, and it is sorely needed.


Therefore, the plan going forward is as follows:

  • Better planning of rest days and cheat days
  • Set an exercise goal for June, then stick to it
  • Stop beating myself up that progress isn’t happening, when there’s no real progress goal set in the first place
  • Finally, grasp my own limitations, and stop judging myself over them as a result

…and with that, let’s get started.