Find Time

Normally, this would be my day off but I’ve been slacking a bit this week, for reasons that should be quite obvious and understandable. Last night was my first time on a bike since coming back from Eroica, and the guides all tell me it should be five hours a week on a bike by now if there is any chance of being fit enough for the Ride London 46. The good news, of course, is that our shed allows me to train whilst watching the World Cup.

That will make life considerably easier going forward.

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I’ve switched from the original plan I was running, which ended up being simply too much to do on top of everything else, to a month long, more casually focused approach  which is based off my FTP. Last night it was a very stress free introduction, with the backdrop of Iran v Spain making time fly by. Tonight, I’ll do the same to Argentina v Croatia. Then, there needs to be some more work on upper body strength and reducing the weight around my trunk.

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Until Ride London happens, I have given up bread as a cheap carb fix. Sandwiches are my Kryptonite, and so until we make it to the end of July, I’m gonna cut them out. This is already making me cry. However, as I am now a Big Girl (TM) it’ll be alright in the end, and there may be a bit more tea drunk to compensate.

Talking of which… ^^

In a Different Place

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Yesterday, a consultant psychiatrist confirmed what I’ve suspected for quite some time.

I’m autistic.

The complexity and layers to ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) are pretty hard to grasp. It is easy to see why some people find this process traumatic in their formative years. Coming to it at this point, after a lifetime of coping, hiding and ignoring certain signs is, however, a massive relief. It confirms so much about existence to this point, and allows an opportunity to start looking for more targeted and focused means of dealing with confrontation, conflict and anxiety.

I could start throwing words about like ‘mild’ and ‘high function’ but at this point I see no point. Waving my diagnosis around as some kind of revelation is also largely redundant. Apart from the three letters in my Twitter biography, nothing has changed. Well, at least not yet. Until there’s the ability to work out what is now needed, and act on this as a force for positive change, there’s no real desire to discus this publicly at all. Therefore, this is all there is to say for the foreseeable future.

I need time to process, away from the Internet, and that’s what’s now happening.

Normal Service will be maintained as that takes place.

Dangerous Game

If the National Football Team progress pass the group stages in the World Cup, I can already see a reckoning coming. Those of us who accommodate the interests of others, without getting upset or judgemental, will find themselves watching others fight over passion. It is already beginning: the polite reminders that ‘not everybody is the same’ and ‘perhaps what I’m watching is more interesting than your mob mentality entertainment’ will undoubtedly escalate to mutes and petty spats, followed by arguments over what people can stick on their own timelines.

I’m going to support my National Side (as I have every four years) and that is not going to change. Those paying attention on my feed will grasp my love of football, despite the fact I don’t follow a team. I love listening to games on the radio, which is as much (normally) as can be coped with. Watching England on TV is roughly akin to torture. When the winning goal went in last night, I was in the bathroom. It was too stressful to be anywhere else.

What Twitter does best, and that has always been the case, is link people together whilst watching events. Whether this is a football game or a niche music band, it allows a shared, participative experience to take place when one is alone. You can feel part of a collective whole whilst stuck in the bathroom. It gives those of us who have issues with large groups or social situations where you can’t trust yourself the vital ability to experience that moment, and it to be valid whilst doing so.

On the flip-side, it makes everybody capable of not only having an opinion over that same experience, but the confidence to challenge validity of others’ participation. Of course, that opinion doesn’t need to be shared, but if you’ve spent all day wading through people’s terror at their own existence, being buffeted by horror over child internment camps and the subjugation of minorities wondering how they’ll survive the rest of the year… there are going to be flash-points.

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Eventually, you’re going to disagree with someone. How that works out isn’t all about you, either, but if the other person matters and you’re smart enough to grasp you could make things worse by pointing out more contention? You don’t do it. That’s the key, and that’s why last night I made a generic, non-specific point. The people I could have targeted should now know what to expect from me: it can be their choice as to how they react to this. I know certain people will mute and come back, some will leave, and for a couple this love of football will become a great way to pick a fight.

Except, I’m not playing that game any more. If you’d like a fair, adult discussion on football, or how ‘sportsball’ is a pejorative term, I’m utterly there. If I make disapproving noises over things I don’t like, then there is an acceptance that by doing so there will be consequences. If you wonder why I stopped talking about certain subjects, it has nothing to do with ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and everything around knowing which people will accommodate reasoned discussion, and who should be left well alone. As a wise computer once typed: the only way to win is not to play.

Sometimes, you make things better by doing nothing.

Hello Hello

This week has become rather important for a lot of reasons. A number of these cannot be spoken about (as yet) but once the processes are complete, that will change. For today, however, I have daughter here after an extremely torrid week abroad and husband after a weekend where he couldn’t walk more than about six steps without someone admiring his bike. I’ve almost managed to clear the largest pile of washing that’s ever existed in the house, and (once my writing duties are done) the Gym is already calling.

Having comprehensively established there is no such thing as a body detox, my regime when starting a new exercise programme is lots of water and religious calorie counting. I’ll be taking the RideLondon46 training quite seriously too starting today, with at least five days a week involving some time on a bike.I am rather looking forward to a focus on exercise and not much else, with the free time dedicated to writing and preparing written stuff for awards, bursary’s and contests.

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It is going to be a bit me-focused this week as a result, for which I apologise in advance.

Goodbye

Normally today I’d not post, but because Eroica effectively starts tomorrow morning for me and ends Sunday night, I’m suspending all my ad hoc content until then. The scheduled stuff is being put in place for the weekend later and after that, you’ll get updated via Social media.

See you when its all over.

Torn

It has always been the plan, as money allowed, to get a bunch of kick-ass artists to create self-portraits for the top-left hand corner of this website. Fortunately I know a lot of people plying their trades online, so it is literally the cash holding me back. The first of these was by @Goobijen and is now replaced by a piece produced by @byelacey. I’ve got one more in the pipeline and once that’s completed, we’ll crack on finding some new people to draw me.

I am beyond happy with the new header. Once there are enough, we’ll start rotating them on a monthly basis.

Strange Days

My brain has adjusted to a lot of change over the last few weeks. Sleep patterns are the best they’ve ever been, insofar as I am actually getting decent, useful rest. Yesterday I walked the short way to the Gym and did a HIIT Run session on the treadmill for the first time in forever. Instead of giving up when things got hard, it was pushed through, and the benefit this morning is great for body but not so awesome for brain.

The extensive To Do List is written down so, once finished, a line can be run through it and everything gets moved on. There’s a bunch of stuff from yesterday that never got completed, mostly because of not being focused. That’s been amended now and so, if you will excuse me, this becomes another ‘just shut up and get on with what matters’ blog.

The more they occur, the better life is becoming.