Unfinished Sympathy

This was written today, because if it were tomorrow, I would have not yet moved on, and that’s what needs to happen. That’s the problem with the World now: all these time zones, so much difference between what’s not for me and then for others. I could have scheduled for Monday but, by then, this is history. It’s taken a year, give or take, to decouple myself from an online persona that effectively saved my life. Some might want to use that as fuel going forward, but after I watched a grown woman on Friday night tell me how she stopped herself from taking her own life, something fundamental altered inside.

Knowing you are not alone is great: believing it is a different concept entirely.

When all is said and done, I have always thrived when nurtured. The problem in this Existence of Noise, which it undoubtedly has become right now, remains filtering out the stuff that is harmful. An awful lot of it isn’t, far more than you might think. So many good ideas come from Social media, staggering depth and breadth of beauty, and if you’re not smart enough to understand the difference between a need and an ask, it can all get terribly difficult to rationalize. It’s why it took so long to sort the transition out properly.

I remember someone long gone from what is now my personal feed, someone I’d loved as a mutual and wished for as a friend, staging the most impressive exit from the platform. I should have gone when he did, on reflection. That moment has been thought on for the longest time, that he did it right, and I’ve spent years hanging on hoping certain people might stop thinking this was what my life was, when it became just a place I lived in and stayed part of for so long out of an obligation to others. Those who interact and give back have kept me sane, and there’s hope that many of those will come and join me on this new journey.

However, many won’t, and now I have to move on.

Undoubtedly the problem before was the thought I couldn’t cope without that presence as support. When it became apparent that it was perfectly possible to cope on my own, the requirement was redundant.

If you’re reading this from the pinned tweet on my personal account: yes, I’m still there, but its no longer where I work.

I have finally accepted that, and moved on.

Russian Roulette

It’s been a Week when blogging got sidelined for poetry performance and mental health. Both are important, but it needs to be said that I enjoy this, that the blog must never be ignored in my spaces of personal significance. Without these words, there would be no poetry. This was the true sandpit, where the ideas were first played with. Without it, there would be no me. I need to find ways to make this space and others relevant again. We’ll work on it.

I have the beginnings of a Set List. This is really important, and the two poems are different sides of the mental health coin for me. I tried out a poem last night that I know is really strong, and so it’s going to get entered for a Thing as a result. I doubt it will win, but I’ll never know if I don’t try. All of this is experimentation, after all, but increasingly is the realization people like me, as a person, as well as the work. That’s going to take some time to get used to.

One day.

Urg!

Should have been here yesterday, apologies for absence, there’s a lot on. Therefore, this is going to PRETEND it happened yesterday, and most people won’t even realize the difference.

Existing work is being repurposed for new gains. I am slowly pulling myself back to full capability. I have some backlog to deal with but nothing that can’t be sensibly rationalized. Really that’s what I should be doing right now and not posting here.

Also, this poetry is VERY good :D

Point of View

At some point, this is all going to finally fall into place.

The Motor

It’s that moment when you realize that, actually, these people aren’t actually your friends, they are just Mutuals being polite because if they WERE your friends they’d have worked out how fucked you are right now and will have reached out and offered to help. It’s the comprehension that you are running at a different frequency to everybody else: mostly just out of their field of vision, undoubtedly over their range of hearing.

It’s the time to be polite and let people know what’s going on, whilst accepting most of them won’t even fucking notice anyway. Those who do understand that this isn’t like the other times either, she’s not doing it for attention but actually quite the opposite. She doesn’t need you to agree with her any more either. This is not about a fan club. It’s the realization this voice in her head is NEVER going away and that the cadence has existed for a very long time indeed.

It’s all here, like it’s always been for the entirety of my life but only now do I have the physical strength to mentally manage that workload. Six years to get tough enough. Absolutely worth the effort, and it’s not like I’m going to stop here either. The next twenty-four hours is gonna feel like a month, but on the other side is progress. That prolific work rate should have been the red flag a lot sooner, but it’s okay now, we’ve got this. The problem comes when people do actually start listening… but really, after all this time…

Is anyone really that bothered except me?

Inside Out

As I was working in the Gym this morning with my PT, she remarked how I seemed to be thriving right now in my exercise goals. Except, I’m not. This is me, coping. It’s hard work, and I am always tired and progress is just the next thing I can do without having to spend all my time thinking about it, and therefore wearing myself out even further. It’s an interesting observation, that on the outside I look assured but on the inside, it’s actually a mess.

I’m also writing a selection of mental health poetry for Patreon, and this morning a poet of some note remarked how my choice of titles was far more optimistic than she herself would have considered, and now I’m absolutely positive there is a disconnect at work between how I see the world and how the world sees me. This is going to make for an interesting conversation with the mental health people on Thursday.

This week is one to watch, people.

Believe

I am growing tired of those who have decided Twitter is a Hellsite. It is simply a reflection of the people who use it, and their petty, empty lives where they can feel important and special because they believe they are destroying others when their own existence has no real meaning or significance. This kind of person has existed for thousands of years: the Bible told of those who were selfish and thoughtless, for whom sin was never just coveting their neighbour’s wife. Humanity has been evolving over thousands of years and these people are finally in danger of extinction, but will not leave without a fight.

This is not a Hellsite. It is the realization that life is changing faster than many people can cope with. It is forcing evolutionary change at a speed the majority will not be able to match. Those who condemn the horror and terror do not understand that this is how evolution has always taken place. Those who attempt to ignore and censure history will not win, because there are those whose knowledge can never be diminished. In the end, those who give their love freely and without fear will be the true benefactors of the future.

What matters now, more than anything else, is the avoidance of ecological calamity.

If that can be addressed, trust me, everything else falls into place.

Who Am I Now?

I do not know, not for certain. Before I could have given you a decent idea of what it meant, not now when so many things are so delicate they could disintegrate, dry enough to spontaneously combust. Three days into the changes to work and output, it all looks pretty doable, but there’s only so much that can be achieved when you’re not really confident of what supports the change.

Trying to write about yourself when you’ve drained a lot of that away using video is also a significant ask. I was overreaching when the mental health newsletter started. It’s impossible to be the spokesperson when you’re not confident of the speech to begin with. Right now therefore we’ll be adopting a holding pattern and playing a phenomenal amount of Solitaire. There’s not even the space available to game properly right now.

If you’re reading this right now, come find me on Twitter please and give me a hug. Thank you.

Praying for Time

Those of you paying attention will notice I had a week off. I can’t do this full on any more, and knowing why is half the battle, and that’s the reason we have an assessment with a mental health professional in two weeks. Deep down, I’m pretty sure I know what the problem is. This time, someone else can come to that conclusion as well, and once it’s done, we can get on with coping.

As a result, a lot of stuff will alter starting today. I needed a week to get my head around everything as a result, and actually its gone very well. I also give blood for the first time in a while today, so that means taking it easy tomorrow, which is useful because I have planned a fucktonne of stuff to get through. There’s an Open Mic this week, and I’m helping out some final year University students in town with a project, so it’s not like I don’t have anything else to do with my time.

Needless to say, if you notice a change, I’m doing it right.

Friday

We made it to Friday again. WELL DONE EVERYBODY.

There is major upheaval coming, and I am ready. In every life there must be change, after all, and at least by knowing well in advance there is no excuse to go into things unprepared. It will require some serious organizational acumen too. I reckon I’m up to the task.

We’ve been at the #Instaverse for a month, and nothing will be the same again.

Thank fuck for that.