One Hundred and Fifty Nine Pounds

The scales this morning recorded a place I don’t remember seeing for a VERY long time.

Back in the 90’s I was measured as part of the Office for National Statistics rolling survey on Weight and Exercise. It was at my most active time physically but I was hardly fit, and the records show that I tipped the scale, whilst clothed, at 10 stone and 6 pounds (146 pounds) That’s the residual self-image I’d carry of myself if they tore me out of The Matrix now, and it is the goal I’ve strived to return to for the best part of 14 years. I do not remember the last time I saw this portion of the scales, but the next key pointer to aim for is 11 stone 3 pounds (157 pounds) which was my weight the day I went to London between pregnancies and remember thinking then that I never wanted to be any heavier than this.

The fact I’m able to have arrived here at all really is a testament to the adage that if you want something badly enough, you will have to work for it. I’ve been using My Fitness Pal for 48 days straight, and I have logged EVERYTHING both eaten and exercised religiously. The effect on my body and mind have been considerable, that this level of discipline has truly shifted my focus and grasp on pretty much everything around me. What I now deeply regret is that I never did this sooner, but at the same time there is the realisation that actually, this is probably the exact right time to have this happen. Everything had to come together, both mental AND physical, and here I find myself where life is now very much mine to dictate as I wish. That’s a great feeling to have.

There is also the growing confidence of my own ability to filter and separate the increasing amount of noise around me. I have decided to start listening to my Spider Sense far more than I ever used to, and thus far it has not failed me. Learning this new set of skills is not nearly as frightening as I thought it might be either, it does however depend on me having the internal faith to just let go sometimes and say what I really feel. It may confuse some that I can have such contrary emotional states apparently running simultaneously, as if it’s somehow wrong to be able to feel more at once than others do, but I understand that this is what I have always been. Allowing it to be free and to be expressed as honestly is actually extremely liberating, but it doesn’t at the same time expose me to hurt or upset as it used to.

That’s something I really wish I’d realised in my life a lot sooner.

I’ve seen the first proof of the Website logo for this site. People have told me that they’re enjoying what they read, and as I’m not doing this to entertain I’m going to take that as the compliment I know it is intended as. I’m just happy I can write as me every so often and people don’t stare at me and not understand.

Some days, it doesn’t matter that you don’t make a point.