I could have predicted that today would be difficult.
I effectively ran out of calories about an hour ago. I didn’t sleep well, and I’ve been skittery and nervous since breakfast. My brain feels like I’m running on a sugar high when the sweetest thing I’ve had today was the tablespoonful of honey in my morning porridge. This is a breathless, itchy feeling, somewhere at the base of my spine, irritating my skin. I wonder if this is what makes people turn to medicinal aid, that feeling like this can actually be dealt with via some kind of sedative or relaxant.
This is my body wanting to run everywhere when my feet are too tired to take a step forward.
Ironically I’ve probably written two of my best pieces for quite some time on the back of this ‘energy’, but I’m needy and shaky and crave reassurance. As I bounce from thought to thought there’s none of the relaxation I felt yesterday either, most of it has evaporated into a haze of ‘that was warm and now this is cold’ which makes me want to have windows open for fresh air yet demands I wear a jumper or I’m shivering suddenly. I can’t breathe well thanks to what I suspect is the first proper blush of allergies, but I have to force myself to use an Inhaler, as there’s a part of my brain that wants to make me go without.
I’m really glad I don’t have days like this very often any more, because living like this full time would probably be impossible. And yet, some people do. I watch them, and I read them, and I am amazed it is possible to survive when everything just goes so bounce-bounce-bounce-bounce at any given moment. This is where the writing preserves my sanity, I know, and that’s why I’m choosing to record this now so I can look back on this and remember what I want to save me from: myself. I am my own worst enemy when I allow the negative to eat away at the fragile peace I create in my own mind. This is why I should never stop being disciplined and focussed, because the resultant chaos does nobody any favours, and my entire existence ends up in a battered, bloody mess.
These are the days when I just shut up, buckle down and look forward to tomorrow.