It is hard sometimes to make people understand how difficult it is for you to move forward as a person, that there are days that your dots are so many and varied that even attempting to join them together is a lesson in futility, let alone what that final picture might end up as being. However, in the back of your mind there is the notion of needing to do just that, of having to show the world what you really are regardless of the obstacles that present themselves.
For the first time in many years, I do at least know what the picture will show when the points are connected. Now all I need to do is fill in the lines. This isn’t a sequential event for me either, I can’t do it by the numbers. As I did this morning, I found a way to make brain and body communicate in a fashion I don’t ever remember being able to do previously, there was a moment of glorious comprehension whet everything simply fell into place. This is a line between two dots that would never have normally been associated, but without them I am not whole.
That’s a minor revelation for a grey and windy Wednesday afternoon.
The fact I allowed myself to think in this way today makes me understand that I’m not too old in the tooth to learn new things, or stuff about myself I wasn’t previously aware. It also makes me understand that the more people try and push me to be what they think I should represent, the more resistance I’ll generate. Not because I’m still a moody teenager when all is said and done, but because refuse to be pigeon-holed by people who think they understand what I am. I grasp the need for labels, but don’t be surprised if when you stick one on me I peel it off or deface the meaning.
I’m not here to be categorised unless it’s absolutely necessary, and not by anyone with an agenda to prove.