Kebab Features

I’m having a lot of thoughts about my online presences. I suspect that if I can find a suitable place, it may well be time to bite the bullet and finally pull three disparate strands of life together into one spot, probably some kind of ‘portal’ around which I’ll design everything else.

That’s the main strand of thought today, but there are others, and I’ll do you a bullet list:

    • My Bond Fan Fiction’s now being serialised daily. Go here to read the first bit. This weekend I’m gonna sort out giving that a permanent home, and possibly re-arrange some of the stuff on the Number 2 site, but this will then return me to daily posting in TWO PLACES \o/ After that? I’ll be here a bit more often too, I’d wager :P
    • I’m going to get paid to cover a Gaming Convention. From my PC. In Moose covered PJ’s. Go me :D
    • NaNoWriMo starts on Sunday. Here I am if you want to be my Buddy. I’m not tackling anything new but I will be attempting to finish to an acceptable standard an existing work to hit the 50k limit. This is the novel I firsts started in 2001, as it happens, and if I can knock that on the head, I might even try and pitch it to a publisher.

After that there’s a lot of wibbling about health and Menopause and generally OMG SO MUCH TO DO but really, I’ll be with you sometime about Friday when I finally catch up after my weekend away. Which was unbelievably awesome :D

This is just me making three posts in three different places in a day.

Another Day

I have a lot I want to do, but ironically I don’t get much time to think about processes. However, of late I cannot manage more than four hours of sleep at once: I’m pretty certain this is hormonal, and as a result there’s been quite a lot of lying about in bed considering the nature of my personal Universe. This week, I have decided that we’re going to cut out all of the sugar, all at once, go back on a 1200 calorie regime and start Yoga again with regularity. It won’t help the by now daily hot flushes, but it gives me something else to consider and a routine I really need. Needless to say, people with dicks, you *really* don’t know how fucking lucky you are.

If the BFF is reading this I will be down to see you on Thursday, for some much needed R&R, even if this is the eldest’s 15th Birthday. The grandparents have got it covered, I’m only here for bus money and to wield the threat to confiscate mobile phone right now anyway, so that’s okay. What this does mean is an XBoxOne will be in the house by the weekend, and I think I might actually start faffing about with that and the PS4 starting in November… you know, rather than just using the games console as a DVD player for the Yoga disc. I have a real urge to learn how to play Halo, because it looks amazing and I think maybe I need to get lost in games more than just fucking moaning about them.

There’s a lot of other stuff too, but that we’ll sort out over time. Tomorrow the youngest gets her 11 Plus results and I think I’m going to worry about that a bit so she doesn’t have to.

Hey, I’m a good parent, me.

Are You Normal?

A while back, I had to explain what I’d done with the last six or so years of my life to a relative stranger, and actually when you recount how this has gone down to an outsider, it sounds pretty fucking amazing. I was on my own, looking after the kids, and I decided to start writing about a hobby I’ve had for years, and after a while I was able to build a modest media presence in a small Internet backwater, which eventually led to me getting a paid gig. Okay, I’m not a millionaire, and it’s hardly going to keep me in cake and pies, but I started from nothing and now? Well, I have something.

Most importantly, I worked for it all myself.

It’s odd when you look at the situation in isolation, that this would be possible in any other Industry. Warcraft has such a gravy train that surrounds it, that so many people are involved on the fringes of game-play, and it is the rise of streaming and You Tube as an entertainment medium which inevitably has a part to play in this success. More importantly (at least for me) I’ve not actually had to prostitute my site in order to keep myself afloat or indeed try and justify the work I’ve done. I’m being paid by a legitimate gaming site, not using a crowd funded source.  A few people have suggested that I might want to set myself up with a Patreon account, but there is a part of me that cannot in good conscience ask people to pay for a mother of two pissing about on the Internet.

And yet, people keep asking if they can fund me.

I’m not sure how I cope with this at this point in my development. It’s like someone walking up and shoving twenty quid into your hand and telling you to ‘buy summat nice, darling’ and although that’s really sweet, there’s a part of my brain that can’t grasp how this would actually be fair. So, I am flirting with the idea with having a ‘Buy me a Cuppa’ button that allows people to go stick money in Paypal, which would pay for the hosting and that’s about it. So, there’s gonna be a fair bit of redesign around the Websites over the winter months and when it happens I think I’ll probably stick the thing up and then just leave it be without any ceremony.

I think maybe I ought to also think a bit more about how the World outside Gaming actually regards me.

Post 001

I had an idea on the treadmill this morning.

I’ll admit I thought about this a bit last week, while exercising, when it seems to be the case that I’m not distracted by anything else and there’s a chance to be honest with my own feelings. The more I thought about it, the better I felt about taking it out of my brain and telling somebody else, and so I decided I’d go and speak to a very good friend about it. She’s in London, and so Twitter wins again as a communication tool. By DM I explained what I had in mind, and she didn’t laugh. In fact, she was incredibly supportive and helpful and I then grasped that actually, this had to happen, because if I don’t do it, I’m a fucking idiot.

So, an idea has been born, and now I need to make it a reality before I lose faith in myself.

I have roped in my husband to help. Some people who I know will be honest with me are already involved in making the basis of this idea fit for purpose. Next week, I have two letters to write, and they will probably be the most difficult things I ever produce with words. I’m already quietly humming in excitement at the possibilities, if only that, at the end of this, I did something that matters for me. That’s the key in all of this: even if nothing happens as a result of the series of events, if all I am met with is silence, that’s absolutely fine, because it actually doesn’t matter. I know what needs to change, and it may no happen in my lifetime, and if that is the case so be it, but I want to try and make a point.

Things only get better when people take their ideas and stand by them. You don’t give in, you don’t cave to pressure and walk away. You have something that matters, and so you act on it. More often than not, there is nothing that results in the real world but for you? The results can be game changing. You gain confidence, you begin to believe in yourself more, and you become capable of things you were not before. This is what I need to do for myself and if something else comes of it then great, but I don’t expect this idea to change the World, or indeed anything at all. Except by the action of sitting here and producing this post? It already has, and that’s what you need to survive.

This is how I will do it. For now, I will keep details are a secret. It will become clear as to why as time goes on.

Needless to say, you’re with me on every step of the way.

On Days Like Today…

August seems a VERY long way away. I’d fully intended to finish off my Holiday posting, but Real Life has conspired pretty much every step of the way to ensure that my personal sanity gets bumped to the bottom of the pile, which last night resulted in a personal dream that was so shocking and violent I cried for an hour after everyone had left the house. It’s accumulated stress from all manner of things: not getting to see my friend in London, the (not unexpected) death of my Father in law, who isn’t actually my husband’s real father anyway. I told him when he passed away too, back when we’d only been together a few years. That’s a part of my life I don’t like to think about much, and it’s crept back into my thoughts a lot, and ironically resurfaced whilst we were away.

Needless to say, I am now the arbiter of my own destiny, and these things have been dealt with. The past remains there until such times as it demands attention, and then is sent away with a stern look and a stony silence. Because history teaches us, it does not dictate our actions. I’m very strong on this, and I’m not changing that stance for anyone, especially not now. As it stands my FiL’s Funeral is Friday, husband’s going down for it to the West Country and I get to stay with the kids, and that’s absolutely fine with everyone concerned. I already have things planned, but none of them will appease my soul. For that I need to be writing again, and so here I am, making a start on that immediately.

I will get the rest of the Holiday documented. I will finish my extended love letter to one of the most misogynist characters in modern fiction. Then I’ll deal with my first ever effort at real fiction in the NaNoWriMo window in November, because I want to have something to do with my life that’s not gaming. Then I think maybe I ought to reach out to some more people and try and build a social life again, just so when I have a breakdown midweek there’s someone else to go and cry to apart from my family, who all have their own issues to deal with right now.

Mostly, I’d like to point out that for the record I am still here, and I need to redress the writing balance to involve less angst and more humour.

Consider me right on that.