Me Vs Myself

I’ve had a love/hate relationship with my scales since returning from the USA in August. Part of me, quite erroneously, got hung up on a number. It’s quite typical behaviour from someone who can, by her own admission, be quite obsessive about goals. Being the ‘right’ weight was, for a time, all that was bothering me. Except in the last week, that has changed. I’m not sure when this was, but I know that today, sitting here, I’m not thinking the same way about my weight as I was on Monday.

Mostly I think this is because I feel like I’m a different person. I know people say that and it’s easy to scoff, but I genuinely sense I’ve stopped being focussed on what I am. Now, how I feel is more important.

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The thing about exercise now is that, if you want, results are so much easier to see. Even if your scales refuse to move, or your profile in the mirror looks stubbornly unchanging, the numbers are hard to ignore. I walked 37.74 miles in five days. Three of those five were inside, but two were deliberately taken as part of a normal day, so I can balance everything out and ensure that I’m not excluding life as a result of the effort. Because I’m conscious of the fact many people I know don’t have my benefits, that you’re forced to live your lives a certain way, it makes me feel even more lucky. Cars are essential, personal mobility becomes problematic when a pay cheque rides on consistency. However, if I stuck a step count on people’s wrists? Would they ignore it, or could they rise to the challenge? As a gamer, there’s the automatically inbuilt spurt of competition you’ll garner regardless, when you know that this isn’t just about your numbers on the board, that there’s others doing the same.

Here’s where this week differs from all the others that have preceded it. This time? I wasn’t alone.

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For a long time Brandy up there has been challenging me to walk ‘against’ her on the Fitbit app and I’ve not had the confidence to do so. Suddenly this week, I’ve realised that actually, it isn’t contest for me, it’s confidence, that I feel able to sit with a group of my peers and show my worth. This isn’t a game, but actually (in a way) it’s no different from playing an MMO or a console title with other people: there’s always the potential to be better, or there’s just the decision to walk away and not take part.  So, this week I decided I’d step up: this isn’t me crowing because I ‘won’ or showing off my prowess, far from it. This is me finally admitting I had the nerve to be counted. By doing this, I have stopped worrying about the scales, and I’m certainly not competing with anyone except myself. This is me embracing how good I feel with daily exercise.

This is me realising how much I need that in my life to be what I am.

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I spend a lot of my life in front of a computer screen. Ultimately, this is not healthy. To inspire my kids, to make sure I’m fit for later life, and just to remain sane, I need a goal. My Surge provides me with the numbers, but it is up to me to make them into what I need to survive. This year, I’ve finally found the combination of factors that works. I’m looking forward to doing more weeks like this, and I know there’ll be weeks when I can’t, and this time I’ll miss them, because it isn’t just my physical health that benefits from the process. For now I’m making the most of every moment I have.

Thanks to everyone who’s inspired me to be fitter this week. I’ll see you bright and early on Monday to start again :D