Death in Venice

For the last week, I’ve been trying to write a section of fiction that has been steadfastly eluding me. In fact, I’ve had nightmares, and moments of pure unadulterated rage because the description just wouldn’t come. Finally, blissfully, IT IS DONE. The thing’s not complete, far from it, but the basic foundations are now in place. It might end up being finally decorated and finished, but this is the plan and the direction, and I never want to go to Venice ever. I don’t care how beautiful and romantic this city might be, NO. JUST NO.

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YEAH.

Next up? Northern Italy, which actually is likely to be FAR less stressful, as most of it is actually written and only needs to be strung together… except there’s some porn to write with a rather interesting twist.

Excuse me while I go and lie somewhere dark for a while.

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Under the Bridge

Hello Trolls.

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How are you doing today?

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I really appreciate all the extra hits you gave me in the last week, its making my Twitter metrics look particularly healthy \o/

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It also gives me a chance to explain to other people what Trolls are and how to avoid them.

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So I’d like to thank you for your continued efforts in helping me educate, inform and entertain the masses.

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Mostly, it warms my heart that you take all this time and effort to communicate so eloquently. No spelling mistakes, grammar and presented so perfectly. THAT’S the way you set a good example.

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I hope you have a lovely weekend. Take care now :D

dealwithit_audrey

Stop

You, over there. Yes, you. What’s your point? I mean, why do you come here, day after day to be a part of an experience you clearly detest? You must hate it because why else would you be so negative? It must make you angry and sad because that’s the only reason you want to cause so much upset.

Oh, right. You like throwing things at people to see how they react. These are your metaphorical stones, for the public vilification of certain souls. You polish the implements first before you throw them, are ready with practised indignation should someone disagree with a viewpoint. This is your entertainment, sport, better than a gladiatorial arena because nobody really gets hurt and you’re not culpable.

I can see right through you. You don’t fool anybody, however clever you believe this deception is. The words hurt because you mean them, and desire nothing more than to trample people with whom you have neither affinity nor understanding. This is the sport, the pursuit, a fight to the death. When you silence the different and the frightening, what will you do then?

You’ll complain about the silence. You’ll argue someone else was at fault. Mostly, sitting alone, the belief will be simple, that you were right all along. Except you’re not. This is variety, this is what life is all about, and the only reason to destroy the things that are not understood?


All Together Now

There are a lot of feelings this morning. Some of them are directed at a section of the British Press who appear to believe that their version of reality is somehow more correct than the one the rest of humanity ascribes to. Ironically this deliberate re-writing of actual events is something many people choose to undertake, mostly when they are unable to reconcile their fears with the facts presented. I explained it to my 11 year old this morning using another girl as the example: she tells people to ‘stop exaggerating’ as a defence mechanism. Ask her to look at her behaviour? ‘Stop exaggerating.’ Complain she refused to listen? ‘Stop exaggerating.’ 

It’s a playground method of ignoring the bigger problem. That’s you, that is.

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You won’t ever live a proper life if all you do is persistently dodge the truth. Ironically now I watch companies exploiting this potential in exactly the same way: they’ll tell you to be healthy or encourage you to save the planet, whilst behind your back they’re cheating on the emissions tests and pretending they’re worthy. The reality of reality is often a complex combination of factors that even the smartest people have trouble grasping, so instead even they decide to fixate on one. Mostly, that’s where I’ve decided to stop today. I know what’s going on, I can see the stupidity and hypocrisy in so many others, and to assuage their inability to deal with what they don’t understand? You’re the problem. Yup, you who decided to stand up and challenge the assumptions made. You who spoke their mind freely and without fear.

Let’s use you as an example and show everybody else how fucking stupid you are.

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I can see right through you. It doesn’t matter, however, because in the end you’re the one who loses anyway, because if you’re not out living your life as if each day were your last? If you’re not pushing and trying hard to be better? If you’re not attempting to build a better existence for EVERYBODY and not just yourself? YOU LOSE, every damn time. The thing is, you don’t realise, and the longer you continue to delude yourself that somehow your way’s the right one? That’s one more day  I don’t care. How is it that I can be like this, some people ask me. You tell people to think and be considerate and look at all the possibilities, yet when met with this kind of argument you resort to insults? Are you not simply becoming the very thing you point out as wrong?

Okay, very simply, just once and so you understand.

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There comes a point in your life where, if you’re lucky, you see the whole World at once. It might be at the birth of a child, or the loss of a loved one, or in a moment when you finally understand that your life, such as it is, has a start point, and an end, and that’s your lot. Once you allow brain to fully embrace your own mortality, an awful lot changes for good. Then, you’re on a timer. You have no idea when you stop, and because of that every single moment becomes as important as every other moment, regardless of whatever else the world throws at you. When that happens, the petty is irrelevant. Your stupid issues are just that, and there becomes a need to ensure that everything, whatever it is, at least makes you feel happy. Being nice to someone when they are quite obviously lying through their teeth, or attempting to hijack you for an agenda, or simply ignoring you because you’re not relevant? Screw it. Screw you. If you’re the one who is rude to begin with? I’ll simply reflect back the shit you threw, every fucking time.

I’m not the problem.
You started this.

Deliberate, viscous anger without motive is what sections of the Internet has become famous for. I am not one of those people. You started this fight, not me. You attacked my position, because I don’t agree with YOU. So, the next time you want to make me out as the villain, go right ahead, and if you wonder why I don’t give a fuck? Well, there you go. Now you know, and I’ll be over here, not allowing you the pleasure of the passive aggressive high ground. Because no fucker gets that any more. I still get upset, but each time the potency lessens, because I simply become stronger with the knowledge that if you’re trying to attack me, I’m doing this right.

You never get to win, and I don’t care who’s right over you stupid, irrelevant Internet slapfest. I have better things to do, and so should you.

Tonight We Fly

Look, you and I need to be clear on a few things before we go any further.

You seem to be under the impression I’m continually acting to some kind of agenda: I don’t make a living writing here, or in either of the other two places that happens, at least not yet, but that could change. If it did, however, I’d sacrifice a very important part of what I know I am to do so, and that’s wrong on a lot of levels. The reason why I still write daily posts, remember, is as therapy, and that still remains the case even now. However, and this is crucial: I don’t give a flying fuck about being special, or wanted, or on someone’s ‘special’ list. I don’t care if you have an NPC named after you or if you’ve got 100k subs, I’d like to know you as a person before any of that shit becomes a bargaining chip. If you’re here because you think I might be useful to know in your bid for World Domination?

Gimme a second while I stop laughing.

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This ‘Community’ you keep talking about? It’s a crock, a lie, and only comprises the people you choose to talk to. If you intentionally remove me from proceedings because I’m not sympathetic to your point of view? That’s not community, that’s exclusion. If then when I become sympathetic to me again once my opinion changes? That’s just dumb, because I didn’t change. I just learnt more about something and decided to alter my outlook. Fundamentally I’m no different than I was before, but if you keep swaying like that in the wind eventually your trunk is going to snap and you’re no use to anybody. This is the biggest problem you’ll ever have in your life. Trust me from someone who took fifty years to get here. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, in the end, you need the internal consistency for nobody else but yourself.

Without it? Life becomes largely unrealistic.

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You know what they call this? Belief. many of you were lucky enough to have this instilled into you from an early age, using such institutions as faith, companionship and togetherness. It took me a remarkably long time to grasp the concept of belief, and only now it still often sits uncomfortably in a troubled mind. If you know you are right? It won’t matter how much wrong there is about you. Belief gives you a calm and comfort you will never, EVER find elsewhere. Drugs cannot recreate it, it is impossible to create externally. You just have to allow it to exist within you unprompted, and the moment it does there is a foundation for something far, FAR stronger than anything else you will ever encounter.

I don’t want to be your friend if you consider that a means to an end. I’m not here to look good next to you. If what you truly crave is a part of my existence? Trust is the key to everything and if I cannot do that, it will NEVER happen. Understand that as you read the words, you don’t know me either, this part of the process is shared only to make a point. Very few people will ever really touch you, and to understand them is not necessary. All that is required is the willingness to understand yourself first. Find belief in yourself before anything else happens, and if that’s possible?

So much else will simply fall into place.

Waking Hours

I’ve identified at least one of the issues with my continued inability to function, and it is my sleep pattern that’s at fault. Right now, I’m not managing more than about four hours uninterrupted a night. I now have the task of identifying why, and it’s more than likely that hormones are to blame. The ups and downs I’ve been feeling emotionally and physically certainly owe a lot to a body that’s adjusting to a change in its hormonal cycles, that much is apparent. However, I can also identify some other issues, at least one which is associated with my current fiction. As a result I’ll be starting today a series of ‘process’ blogs over on the Writing/Gaming site which will explore the psychological consequences of wanting to write something with a sense of emotional accuracy.

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I’ve also restarted #28FitDays as of yesterday with a better organisational plan and with rest days built into the equation. I’ll still aim to hit a step goal on those days but through normal daily behaviour and not with specific trips to the Gym or planned exercise. Hopefully that means that by the end of May (when I’m due for a five day holiday) I’ll have done enough to allow me some indulgences. Mostly this is a lovely long, uninterrupted block of time to use as a means to continue my fitness regime.

On that front, it’s time for PT today, which I’m looking forward to WAY more than I really should be. Considering last week my trainer reduced me to a wreck? I’m now wondering what is likely to get thrown at me today. I’m also going to eat breakfast down there after I’ve walked to the Gym, so as I’m now bloody starving, it might be an idea to get going…

Long Distance

My #28FitDays was not nearly as successful as I had hoped, mostly because I did too much, and didn’t provision nearly enough recovery time into my equation. Therefore as of today I’ve restarted my plan. With my PT now established on a Monday, I’ll take rest days on Wednesday and Saturday, and aim to pull a 12k minimum steps regardless. Mostly, I realise how essential this has become to maintaining my sanity.

Unless you understand the significance of that statement, you won’t get the importance of the effort.

Next week, I promise to have more to say. For now, I’m simply concentrating on moving forward.