The last few days have been revelatory, and I’m not quite sure where to start.
Yesterday, I saw Jeff Lynne and ELO in concert. I’m still processing an entire evening of surreal events, but the fact I can now say I sang ‘Wild West Hero’ with at least 20,000 other people will long stay in the memory. The day before I suffered a fairly comprehensive mental breakdown over subjects I’m still not comfortable with, but need discussing because they will at least be alluded to in fiction in the near future. On top of all of this I am horrendously behind with just about everything and there’s a funeral to top it all. This is what ‘they’ mean when being a grown up is hard work, that there’s a continuing procession of awesome meshed seamlessly with the unavoidable horror of life and consequences.
This is scary, but undoubtedly necessary.
What I will begin with was the moment when, coming out of the shower, I decided to actually look at my body properly for the first time in what is probably a year, and to realise that I am different. All the effort with exercise and diet really is beginning to produce tangible and actually quite revelatory rewards, as from beneath the skin of a person I never recognised or understood, a new woman has appeared. She is that too: I don’t associate this body from any other point in my life. It has definition and tone I never previously possessed, but most importantly I can see my own strength and determination. I know exactly how much work it has taken to get here, and I am proud of what has been done. I am different, less harsh than I was. Yes, I still get angry and overexcited, but in essence I stopped worrying about what I was, and I just am.
If I could stop craving the Nandos however, that would be a step forward.
Making sense of it all is hard when you’re constantly doing other stuff. Making time to digest how you have changed is what far more people should do, and they simply don’t believe it matters. Well, it does. You should think more. It is absolutely worth taking the time to learn what you have become, and grasp the reasoning why.
It is amazing what you can achieve when you do.