I’m not sure I can write down all of the stuff in my head right now, but I must. Today, more than any other, demands that my voice be heard.
I am not the Problem, You are.
Sometimes, complaints on the Internet have merit. Offending people isn’t a knee jerk reactionary moment, it is truth, because you’re the problem. Just because you have the right to open your mouth doesn’t mean you should. Sometimes, you should just step away before you tweet because you’re a twat. EVERYBODY, even the most virtuous of people, does not exist without flaw. What makes me incandescently angry, time and again, are those people who can only see one path, and that is their own. It is the most consummate form of selfishness and if we persist in allowing such people to be ignorant of their stupidity… well, I only have to look at the news this morning to understand where that leads.
I cannot solve the bigger issues. Maybe I shouldn’t even be considering such lofty ambition. But when I see someone who has the opportunity to erode a space I inhabit being lauded by his peers in my eyeline, because ‘somebody had to say it’ I think that perhaps if nobody started the fight, it just wouldn’t happen. I don’t want you in my fucking space if all you bring is division and anger. You’re not funny, and I’m not the problem. You are. However, from where you sit, I’m the cancer that you don’t want to cure because if you did, there’d be nobody to deflect from your own failings. I’m sorry, that’s not how this works. It takes two of us to start the fight, so from now on if you start?
You’re on your own.
The Inevitability of Failure.
Perception is a bitch. Being the one on call 24/7 really is the thankless task, and half an hour of late night brilliance by someone else will reduce you to tears because you can’t be that person. You might feel like an utter failure now, but you were the one who was dependable, and always there, even on days when you felt like winking out of existence. It is inevitable that you will fail, because that is how life works. The trick, when it happens, is to keep going through the pain, and realise that this is only a moment on a far larger timeline. The way you get lost is when that reference is damaged, that you don’t remember where you are and the enormity of the minuscule swallows you completely.
Today will not be that day.
All the things that are forgotten, that you remember. All the moments that are lost which you can recall with clarity. This is the penance of those who serve, and in amongst the chaos you need to find the means to make what you do matter. If there’s nothing to show for your labour? You have to do that too. Don’t expect other people to provide your happiness, because ultimately it will not come. The only real truth is yours to both discover and nurture, and you must because without that hope, there is nothing. If you cannot permanently live in the light, at least pick the brightest shade you can, because the consequences if you don’t really are too terrible to comprehend.
Accept the Unacceptable.
I see you, struggling to live your days well. I know this feeling, the sadness between each footstep, an ache of pain and anger between the shoulder blades. Some days all you can do is walk, and leave thinking for the time when you’re confident you’re not flawed in judgement. Those days it is better to lose yourself in others worlds, or create your own. However, never lose sight of the truth.
You’re on your own.
All the friends in the world, all the Discord servers and Slack chatrooms are just diversions, fractured parts of a whole only you can heal. You can choose to dull the pain with drugs, or simply pretend it doesn’t exist, but eventually will come the realisation that, like it or not, some of it is just out of your hands. When you’re able to work out what is doable? Try and improve your situation, because that’s the most important thing you’ll ever accomplish. Heal your own soul before you try solve anything else. If this absolutely needs other people to accomplish? Learn to ask for help.
I absolutely understand what drives people to the extremes of behaviour. I grasp perfectly the combination of factors required to make someone snap. If you have never lived in the dark, you should celebrate every day with joy unbounded, and become an inspiration. That’s how life should be lived: unconditional love, joy and happiness. If you can’t feel these things as well as others it doesn’t make you broken, it just means you are different, but that’s not wrong either. It just means your coping strategy changes, and on the days when you can’t? You get creative. However, there are other people here, and not just you, and sometimes, if you ask them for help? They will.
No, you’re not on your own now.
The moment you open your mind and explain, you stop being the only one. With consideration, and the right medium, it helps. When you’re admitting you’re the one with the problem? People can find a way to approach you. When you stop being clever, and just be honest? Stuff can change. Mostly, thinking is the key. Don’t just make the crap joke as a coping mechanism. Don’t press ‘Tweet’ until you can add to the conversation, not derail it. Stop making it about your attention seeking priorities. Focus on stuff that matters.
Become part of the whole, and yet retain your independence. You can do both. Always remember, above everything else, that nobody knows how broken you are unless you tell them.
Crying won’t solve anything. Start talking instead.