Sunrise

I need eight hours sleep a night to function correctly. For the last three days, a 4.30 am wake-up has been debilitating: it’s not the dawn that does it, but my body, which feels like I’m effectively on fire. My weight’s now close to 170 pounds and I know that the last four weeks has effectively screwed both body and mind. I’ve not eaten any more than I normally do, and really haven’t exercised less. As I go into full Menopause it is a case of getting everything to rebalance so I don’t end up going back to where I came from, not simply in body but also in mind. Yesterday was the break point: I could see a massive relapse on the horizon and everything that I’ve worked for simply vanishing because I can’t find the mental strength to push through.

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Not happening, people. SO NOT HAPPENING. I have come too far and hurt far too much to allow this to ruin me. It will be a fucking fight, every step of the way, for someone with the willpower on some days of a half awake slug. I know I have to not eat badly, and not snack, and just stay away from using food as a way to make me feel better. There has to be exercise and movement and attacking the things in the Real World I simply do not want to do. Given the choice, of course, I’d play video games all day and all night but that’s not happening either. Balance must be found and it will be. My mind needs some calm and quiet. I have things to do that I’ve promised for others and they will be finished. Right now, let us draw a new line, and see how long we can keep behind it, because despite what you might believe, I’m a fucking disaster area, and this is no way to live a life well.

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Yet, as this is the only life I have there’s a desire to make the most of it regardless. So, let’s have you body, I can see 160 pounds, and I’m FUCKING GETTING THERE.

Being barren is not a setback.