Apart from alcohol, I’ve never taken drugs. The closest I’ve come to losing the plot was as a child, amazingly, when an excess of gas and air did very strange things to my system for several days after dentistry. All the times I’ve ever had to write about being drugged, I’ve done extensive research, but that’s all it ever is, words on a page. I need to use my imagination to do the rest. Now, of late I’ve been working increasingly hard when walking/running over distance. I’ve experienced lesser versions of what’s known as the ‘runner’s high‘ in the past but last night?
Something very interesting happened indeed.
I’ve long used walking/running as a means to work out issues in my writing: paired with musical soundtracks I ‘visualise’ the scenes I’m working on and this helps find the right words. Last night I returned to a piece I work on from time to time, and one particular song sparked a chain of events that saw me pushing harder and harder up an incline, and becoming more and more involved in the ‘visualisation’ process until, for a brief period, it became real. One character’s ink-stained hands were placed on the body of another and I watched as the colours leeched from skin to skin. I had to stop afterwards because the vividness of the moment was actually frightening. Not only did I think it, it was there, in front of me, made real by the combination of endorphin and imagination.
It was one of the most unsettling things I’ve experienced for quite some time.
I’ve had lesser versions of this, and different results. It does all boil down to the exertion expended and the time I’m walking/running, plus the music being listened to. In this case, the track created a calm inside me that I suspect was conducive to all this kicking off to being with. What it made me realise is that I have the ability within myself to produce things that aren’t simply powerful, but significant.
After the last few weeks, that’s coming as something of a reassurance.
There are many things I cannot control. Those I can however, will never be underestimated. Your body isn’t frightening or intractable, anything but. Learning to love what you are capable is the best thing I could ever have done at this point in my life.
I need to explore this further.