In Dreams

Yesterday, I had my first sports massage for about three weeks. My back and shoulders were a mess after two flights and ten days in a hard, uncomfortable bed. My masseuse, who is tiny and stunning, is a veritable miracle worker and as thanks for her efforts pre-holiday I bought her a gift back from the US. I wasn’t expecting the reaction it got, that she was genuinely pleased and hugged me with an enthusiasm that was a surprise. The woman then proceeded to do absolute wonders and I walked out feeling about half a stone lighter, after which I slept uninterrupted for eight hours. It’s odd, the notion of reward versus effort, that sometimes the smallest thing can mean the most to someone unexpected.

It was the same when my trainer saw me on Monday and remarked how much thinner I looked. My husband made the comment that maybe she has a vested interest in keeping me ‘sweet’ and might be over-inflating my progress, but I know this is not the case. I have made decent progress, areas of fat are beginning to shrink, and cellulite/stretch marks are becoming far less pronounced than they ever were. I’m not too fussed about the details of the physical change, and once I get to target weight I’ll worry about aesthetics.I understand how things have improved, and that the areas I want to shrink fastest will probably be the last places to go. I’m also aware of just how hard I’m working.

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Being told I’m doing well is great, but I don’t need the carrots any more. My life now has altered so fundamentally that I cannot actually see a position where I’d return to being the person who would rather sit than stand, or drive instead of walk. Given the chance, I’m now always going to default to exercise. I’ll admit I do like my lie ins still, but not at the expense of bad mental health. I’ve also reconciled the understanding that it is never a given to expect a compliment for work done, or if I beat/write summat that’s accepted as ‘good.’ I know how much of the output I create that is decent, consistent and of a good standard. Occasionally, I will hit brilliant, and when that happens I know about it long before anyone else mentions it: not because I’m some kind of narcissist. I just get now what is good for me and what isn’t.

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Perfection is so horribly subjective to begin with that often being told you’re great isn’t actually a true indicator of attainment. I’ve had people overly compliment as a means to draw attention, and I see it happen more and more in social media circles where people are clearly desperate to not offend. I’d love honesty, every time: fortunately the people I count as friends are getting quite proficient at telling me the truth. If it sucks, I get the feedback. What this means is that often I forget what a powerful motivator the random compliment can be, and I’m now actively attempting to give them whenever I think it would be appropriate. This is quite hard work for me. Anyone who can do this well, naturally and with any measure of conviction? You’re a hero.

Making a compliment sound genuine and sincere is a skill I need a lot of work at grasping.