It is odd, sitting here writing today, because so many other people I know are desperately trying to level to max in an MMO I’ve spent a lot of time with. The fact I’m itching all over, desperate to just dive in on one side of my brain with the other rationally and calmly informing of just how terrible a thing this would be to do right now says I have my compulsion under control. Between you and me, the addiction aspect was dealt with a while back, shortly after one person completely destroyed my need to remain tied to the notion that control was more important than happiness. I realise now I have a lot to thank that individual for, and last night (yes, I did a few hours) there was the thought that maybe now I could just tell them their fortune and walk away. Except I get now not how life works. You are polite and kind and pleasant, whilst all the seething hatred gets posted on Facebook.
As I don’t have a Facebook to do this? Everybody wins.
There’s been a fair deal of work-related drama too, but I’m more concerned with the fact I promised my Personal Trainer yesterday I’d start practicing running every day. This is because she’s asked me to go running with her, and then she gave me an early birthday present, and now I’m struggling with the concept that people find me likeable. How can this be true when my heart can be so black? How can you find me entertaining when I am aware of how fundamentally I am flawed? I went and met a new friend on Sunday for a couple of hours, and when you try and explain your life to somebody new it can become an exercise in personal torture. Of course, she knows a lot of it anyway but the details make you realise you have to explain *why* things are as they are. Once that happens? It can all get a bit weird. I didn’t embarrass myself, she’s still talking to me and life, unsurprisingly, continues unabated.
Makes me wonder why I worry about all this shit to begin with.
Then I get why it happens, and that’s come from learning that exercise is simply what you decide is acceptable. Running is a case in point: I get nervous when my Trainer controls the speed of the machines I’m on, because my chest muscles hurt and I can’t organise my breathing to cope with the effort that is required to get everything to function. Although undoubtedly some of this is physical restriction, most of it ends up as a mental inability to rationalise the process. When I break it down, that changes. Analysing WHY this happens, what I can do to change it, and simply not giving in to fear or addiction is an incredibly tough ask for many people. As my self belief and confidence rises, I’m able to place everything in an appropriate line of significance and context. It may seem like basic human survival, but if you were never taught this when you grew up, or you simply could not understand how the process functioned until now?
I’m going to run 1k tomorrow on a treadmill and see how long it takes me to a) complete and b) recover. After that, it is one step after another. Those people who have told me I should just run? I’ll get there. It might take a while, I may need a bit of support on the way, but yeah, it will happen. I’m also not going to log in to play games any more until I’ve done a fair number of domestic chores and am confident I’m not sacrificing home for gaming. Again, with this one, if you could bear with me? That would be great.
Small steps are often the best thing to take.