Fever

Today is a day for just shutting the fuck up and getting shit done. It hurt on the treadmill, painful when doing press ups and pull downs, and I had to drag myself home today, despite the brilliance of a late Summer afternoon. Everything is hard, has been difficult since I woke, three minutes before my alarm from an anxiety dream I have from time to time. It was my brain’s salutatory warning, that if I push physically, there are going to be consequences. Except I’ve had enough of being dictated to by a part of my body that is already fit, and appears not to want me to control my own destiny a lot of the time.

Our minds are the worst enemies we have.

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Yesterday an acquaintance on Twitter posted a set of pictures, stating he thought they showed a set of emotions in himself that I didn’t see at all. In fact, all I saw was someone working hard to get better at digital art. I made a thing yesterday for the Writing Site (more on that tomorrow) and thought it was great, but just because nobody else agreed with me? I don’t care. I produced the graphic to make me happy, not to appease anyone else, the same way I’m pushing hard to attain the various physical goals I’ve set. Yeah, if my husband finds me more attractive and I live longer then I can say these were unintentional consequences, but they were never the point. When your worst critic’s in your head? Life can get a bit pointless, so there comes a point where you either ignore the demons and move on, or they consume you.

Having done the latter far too often, it is time for sustained and continued change.

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It is also time to make some space between me and those who seem to think I am their personal saviour. Despite the fact I’d love to be able to help everyone, it isn’t practical or sensible to try and do so, especially if some of those people have no intention to listen to you or the advice you give, and seem hell bent on their own version of self-destruction. I get why people love to do this, that life needs to be about them complaining to have any meaning, but there is a point to draw the line and move on. I don’t want to sound like that person either but I need to be going forward or this won’t work. So, there are harsh choices to make, and if you do it wrong? You live and learn.

In the end, the first and last person you have to report to is… well, you. This is your immortal soul we’re talking about, after all. Mine’s already on notice that if it fucks me about any more I’m gonna start withholding other privileges. I’ve earned a new Fitbit badge today, and I’m sure as fuck not about to give up on this journey now. Body and brain need to work it out and get it on with all speed.

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That’s the GREAT WALL OF FUCKING CHINA, people. I’m not stopping now. I got many, MANY points to prove.