I can still run a kilometre in 7 minutes and 30 seconds. However, the bottom half of my body is not the problem. I require a better top half, and to do that my new exercise from the PT is to hang. Yeah, just hold onto the bars where I’d do chin ups. I’m aiming for thirty seconds; today I managed ten and there’s a new thing to work at and improve upon. I am really beginning to appreciate the process of self-improvement, and the ethic that once you get to one goal, that’s not enough. It is never enough and what has to happen is a perpetual push to better and stronger. It also makes the days when you’re all out of fucks shift back to mean something. Life shouldn’t be about stuff just being enough.
I ate chocolate today, and it tasted different. I now prefer protein snack to sugar rush. I’m not sure what that says about me, but it is fairly significant. I can also feel my body changing again, and that’s never a bad thing. Having had a nurse reassure me that losing the same six bounds for a couple of months is no bad thing, I am pushing hard not to stress about numbers. The moments come and go, however. Then I look at my arms and see how little fat remains and how much muscle now lives there and the worry subsides. I just have to keep doing the miles and making sure what I eat is not bad. White bread converts to sugar. Pastry is dangerous. My daughter can bake me mini Victoria Sponges, but to eat one means I gotta do a LOT of work. On the flip side, rest is vital, recovery much needed especially when I push hard. Mostly, BALANCE is what’s required.
However, the biggest change today was sitting in the Gym and feeling as if I simply didn’t belong there. I listened to people talking and felt embarrassed and uncomfortable. There’s a lot of nasty shit going on in UK politics right now after my session felt very much like the worst of that on my doorstep. I just sat quietly and ate my breakfast, but really couldn’t wait to finish and leave. Don’t get me wrong, this certainly isn’t the norm on most days but… I’d like to think that if I met my online friends they’d certainly not regard me as an object, and I’d get a lot more respect than was present this morning.
There’s a lot to think about right now, and not all of it is good.