Still Alive

I can still run a kilometre in 7 minutes and 30 seconds. However, the bottom half of my body is not the problem. I require a better top half, and to do that my new exercise from the PT is to hang. Yeah, just hold onto the bars where I’d do chin ups. I’m aiming for thirty seconds; today I managed ten and there’s a new thing to work at and improve upon. I am really beginning to appreciate the process of self-improvement, and the ethic that once you get to one goal, that’s not enough. It is never enough and what has to happen is a perpetual push to better and stronger. It also makes the days when you’re all out of fucks shift back to mean something. Life shouldn’t be about stuff just being enough.


I ate chocolate today, and it tasted different. I now prefer protein snack to sugar rush. I’m not sure what that says about me, but it is fairly significant. I can also feel my body changing again, and that’s never a bad thing. Having had a nurse reassure me that losing the same six bounds for a couple of months is no bad thing, I am pushing hard not to stress about numbers. The moments come and go, however. Then I look at my arms and see how little fat remains and how much muscle now lives there and the worry subsides. I just have to keep doing the miles and making sure what I eat is not bad. White bread converts to sugar. Pastry is dangerous. My daughter can bake me mini Victoria Sponges, but to eat one means I gotta do a LOT of work. On the flip side, rest is vital, recovery much needed especially when I push hard. Mostly, BALANCE is what’s required.


However, the biggest change today was sitting in the Gym and feeling as if I simply didn’t belong there. I listened to people talking and felt embarrassed and uncomfortable. There’s a lot of nasty shit going on in UK politics right now after my session felt very much like the worst of that on my doorstep. I just sat quietly and ate my breakfast, but really couldn’t wait to finish and leave. Don’t get me wrong, this certainly isn’t the norm on most days but… I’d like to think that if I met my online friends they’d certainly not regard me as an object, and I’d get a lot more respect than was present this morning.

There’s a lot to think about right now, and not all of it is good.

2 thoughts on “Still Alive

  1. I know it’s not always easy. Especially as we grow older. When in my teens the thought of running more than ten miles was met with a “that’s all?” look at the track coach, to now 35+ years later of, you want me to run to the corner? I’ll take the car.

    I do however walk to the local hardware store instead of driving there. I do try to stay active at least on the weekends. But it is hard work to find time. You are doing awesome. Hats off to you for doing what you are. And just remember.

    5 pounds of fat is a lot more volume than 5 pounds of muscle. Don’t just look at the scale. Look at the inches lost, the increased strength and stamina, and the feeling better.


  2. Your journey to improving yourself is all very inspiring. With all that happened to me in the last few months, I’m ready to make changes and seeing you tackle goals and reach them is helping me setup my own goals. And helping me realize that breaking it down into smaller goals makes it more manageable and achievable.


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