Some days, everything gets very bright, almost painfully so. Touching stuff brings more sensitivity to fingers that already define sensation too well. Pieces of music make you cry unprompted. It is as if, suddenly, someone turned the settings up but you weren’t ready for the noise. Ears actually crackle with sounds, there’s a need to eat more, and everything’s an adventure, the best thing you ever did. It becomes really difficult to define your boundaries. Nothing is impossible. These aren’t good days, but you learn to take what’s strongest from those moments and temper the enthusiasm, mould hyperactivity so that in the dark days there are lights in the gloom to travel by.
Then the clouds come, cold insufferable darkness. No, I’m not alright so please stop asking. Pain comes from the historical injuries, old wounds that never close, fights with self and existence combined. Can I remember how to drive? How do I live with other people? Then you walk, or run, or find a weight to lift. Once it was metaphors but now they’re real, reminders that with each KG shifted there are natural drugs to ease this pain. I don’t need a pill to find my sharpness, or a drink to remove the stress. The lights shine, reminders of the good, those who care. Then there’s the understanding, that you’d forgotten again: down’s only half your journey and when it’s up? That’s better, until you hit the top of the roller-coaster. Then we begin again.
Now, I live for average days. I don’t want to be up or down, I’d just take calm. The joy of simply being happy. Warm socks, wet tea, music in my ears and a home that I’m safe in. Living with depression’s a fucking amusement park ride you never asked to go on and life won’t ever let you leave. It’s the Hotel California of mental illness, and you never get a guitar solo. All that can be hoped for is less shit and more peace. I don’t make it an act, and it’s not a fucking spectator sport. Social media is not the place for this, I’m not your performing seal. If you want a breakdown, there’ll be someone else along shortly who’ll be happy to oblige.
I’m just looking forward to the next quiet day.