Your Cheating Heart

As computers systematically take over aspects of our lifes, I find myself quietly despairing at those who think that the only way to ‘success’ is to cheat the robots. Undoubtedly, if I was the kind of girl who SEO’d ahead of worrying over content, the latter would be largely irrelevant. In fact, I could probably spout rubbish 24/7 and it wouldn’t matter, because if I was top of Google’s search I effectively win the Internet anyway. I remember all too well being berated by someone quite early into my blogging career at how useless I was for not doing this. How would I ever make money from my website to begin with? It was at that point I grasped I’m pretty much failing to be a sucess, and have been for close to eight years. I couldn’t be happier as a result.

If I wanted to make money by doing this, you’d fucking hate my guts by now.


Many people on the Internet are not listening to anybody except themselves. This is abundantly apparent wherever you stand, or whatever you listen to for protracted periods. The decent people, the lovely individuals amazingly always seem to make time to do both of those things, and I watch them with an increasing sense of satisfaction. These are the people I wanna be friends with, that are genuinely concerned about the stuff that matters. Their success is almost directly proportionate to decency. That seems like an equation everybody should have to work under, but sadly it is rarely the case. For many, the Internet’s a place to either exploit, make your fortune from and then leave or a place to take a dump in. In the last week, a lot of these types have been making life utter hell, yet I salute these people’s ability to survive without either a spine or indeed any sense of a moral compass. The problem is, that’s a norm for an awful lot of ‘legitimate’ business too, and it depresses the fuck out of me.


This morning, I wake to a ‘business proposal’ in my Inbox. A legitimate UK company wants to pay ME $100 for the right to print an article on my website. I could see the possibilities: link us your WordPress login details so we can upload the post, let us have your Paypal details so we can send you the $100… and then, even if either of these weren’t blatant phishing grabs, the thought of becoming a legitimate home for stupid internet spam? Honestly, just how gullible do these people think I am? I wouldn’t mind but there’s also an increasing stream of ‘SEO service emails’ being shoved into my Inbox as if I really give a flying fuck about anybody else doing this for me. The only thing that I’d ever benefit from doing this would be to make money by lying. I’m sorry but, I’m never going to do that.


And yet, people still try. They attempt to sell me services I don’t want and have no need for. They labour under some misapprehension that I don’t have enough content for my websites: if I wanted to link other people’s shit, I’d do that myself. I don’t need a third party ‘helpfully’ giving me the stuff, I want people to use my things, but because I refuse to play the game and produce the right kind of content? I am of no use to them. Sure, they’ll attempt to exploit me for all they’re worth but they won’t use my content because it doesn’t contribute to the global conspiracy of ‘ranked content’ and ‘top SEO material’ and SERIOUSLY SHUT THE FUCK UP. None of your ‘posts’ have any rational value. It’s rubbish, pure and simple, empty vacuous bobbins that has no relevance except to sell people more shit they don’t want. If you wanted to be useful you’d get off the fucking internet and have real lives, and not spend all your time staring at a screen to begin with. Try optimising your real life friends with SEO relevance and see how far that gets you.


On a day where I’ve seen the Orange Twat ban his own government staff from using social media, this playground is rapidly deteriorating into a battlefield. You need to know who your friends are, and if your business is attempting to somehow ignore the real human crisis at work? I want no part of your agenda. Seriously, go shove your ‘rankings’ where the sun doesn’t shine. Nothing you can say or do matters to me. I am my own content creator, and if you can’t find me except by word of mouth? That’s exactly the way I’d like it to stay.

Yeah, I’m done now.