The End

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It could be a blip. Might just be because I’m sick and fighting a sinus/throat thing. Could be that my hormones finally cut me a break. Or, maybe, just maybe, the hard work is paying off. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, really looked hard at my side profile because now I cannot avoid it. Yup, fat has reduced on my stomach. The lumps on my hips, remains of this long fight to get back to ‘normal’ are almost gone. Even the thickness of fat under my arms and on my arse seems less obvious. I could pretend to believe that there’s still a while to travel but this morning, I knew. I went to bed having eaten well and was hungry, for the first time I can remember for months.

Today, even though my face hurts and my voice is in danger of vanishing, I walked to the Gym.

I love the time I get alone now so much more than I ever did, because there is so much chaos in the world to sort and filter. The walk has changed, in the last couple of months: the footbridge I used to use is gone, and it’s all about dodging traffic and watching the junction evolve. They’re also fitting a new gas main and the area’s a massive, muddy building site. However, if you look down and around, there are many beautiful things to appreciate. I love the pavement as a canvas, looking at things that other people simply accept as boring or uninteresting. There’s a network of spray painted directions all over the area, and the digging will continue for many months more.

Then, when I got there, I genuinely forced myself to do stuff a tired body didn’t want to do. I sweated so much there’s a need to take a change of shirt from now on, because I was just drenched afterwards. It hurt, so much, my lungs just not capable of fuelling my body in the manner I’d like, but the change is unmistakable. I am stronger now than I was. I can run better, and when relaxing and not stressing, distance literally flies by. Somewhere, somehow, I have become a fitness lover. It is a feeling of disbelief and wonder that I’m really hoping never goes away. Then, there was 60kg on the Leg Press, and the guy who watched and nodded approvingly as I loaded up the weights. There may have been a lot of furious blushing.

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Vanity aside, there’s still so much to do. For now, however, there has come a satisfaction and utter joy that I last experienced when I did my first deadlift. I giggled all the way home, even though my nose and eyes are streaming and, in the next hour, I will probably lose my voice completely. I really don’t care. There is undeniable pride now, that’s the feeling as I type this. My goal is close. It means dinner tonight isn’t rice and noodles from the Chinese, but beef and vegetables. No dessert, absolutely no bad shit, and when I hit the scales on Monday in the Gym I hope the record shows that I did the work.

I know now it is only a matter of time.