I had such lofty plans today, and thanks to seven hours sleep and the fact today’s post draft sucked monkeyballs, I’ve thrown everything away. Tomorrow I will try again to be an adult with words, but right now all I’m capable of is small sentences and barely restrained anger. The problem isn’t my planning or the world around me, not today. Body, like it or not, is refusing to what is being asked: hot flashes have returned, temper is as short as a Gnome. My mind, for large portions of yesterday and today, simply refused to do what I asked of it. I will admit to worrying as to the reason behind this but in truth I am well aware that this is the coda of full menopause that I’d been warned about. In two weeks, it will be a full year since I bled ‘properly’ for the last time.
I could have a decade of this to look forward to. The ‘symptoms’ of fertility shutting down vary wildly from woman to woman. I really don’t want to spend ten years yelling at clouds but that is a possibility I must plan for. That meant today’s primary objective was to exercise as much as possible in the time I was awake to try and exhaust myself to get past waking up at 3am in a hot sweat. This was the best way across last summer to ensure that sleep happened, and certainly helped when I was in New York. Then it is all about eating well and trying to grab kip when I can during the day. I’m considering looking at natural remedies to help, but I certainly don’t want to go back to hormones unless there is no other way. Right now I think this is copable with alone, but six months non-stop might change my mind. We will see what happens.
If you see me quieter or crankier than normal in the next couple of weeks, this will be the reason. Try and understand, and maybe cut me a break, but it is okay if you don’t.
I understand if you’re not that kind of person.