However hard you try, sometimes it all just fucks up.
Once upon a time, an anxiety attack would have put me back weeks. Yesterday’s panic before I stepped foot on a rope climbing course is well rooted in old, historical fears, and I realise now, looking back on it, that was the least of my issues. All the changes I’ve made, pushing forward and not looking back, are subconsciously attempting to poison my mind and body’s progress. It’s been a while since there’s been anxiety at that scale too, vomiting and shaking whilst my 12 year old daughter’s fearlessness above my head was frankly sobering. I wish at her age I’d been given the chances she has to fly and grow. Instead, I’m on another path and on reflection, I don’t regret what’s happened to get me this far. I’d not be the person I was without that unique combination of experience to begin with.
The tension in my shoulders is only now beginning to abate, but the care that I’ve received from my family was frankly brilliant. They were all amazing and supportive, and it makes me now so utterly grateful that I’m able to communicate my issues in a away that allows them to help me. Once upon a time I would have simply said nothing and hidden everything away, but the new me grasps the importance of opening up and making people understand. Nobody’s enjoyment was impaired, and all in all it was a wonderful day. Most importantly, my anxiety did not end up causing any issue other than in my body. I can sit here now and break it all down whereas before it would have been weeks of anger and disappointment. I don’t have time for that any more, there’s too much to do. I spent Saturday night in the Gym, then planning the next week, and the optimism that has granted is enough to allow me to have taken the day on Sunday, but be ready to go this morning.
Most importantly of all? That pile of paper got smaller. It will have vanished by this evening, and with it another hurdle. I may not have enjoyed myself yesterday, but I’m already looking forward to weigh in and PT later. Life isn’t about obsessing over the shit you can do nothing about, but should be a healthy combination of moving forward and assessing what you left behind. Yesterday, once upon a time, would have been the moment where I messed it up, but not any more.
Nobody stops me going forward any more, least of all myself.