In the middle of the second week of Mindfulness meditation this morning, I burst into tears. I have no idea where the emotion came from: I was focussed (I thought) and only worrying about my breathing, when suddenly BANG. I had to stop as my nose immediately started running and I was conscious of dribbling snot all over my legs. I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor, bawling my eyes out, but there was no anger or frustration in any part of what was, at that point, a very relaxed body. I’d just come out of 40 minutes of yoga and it seemed the right moment to continue the Course.
It’s taken a walk and a sports massage to grasp what I was feeling at that point was relief.
I’ve spent a lot of my life being very, very angry. It has taken many years to realise that I was the one in control of my life, and that if I allowed others to dictate that path, there would only be tears. Once I began to choose my own direction, things slowly began to fall into place and now, on an unsettled Tuesday in March, a fundamental understanding has appeared. It is okay to be me. It’s one of those phrases you see people throw around, that from time to time appears in inspirational quotes from robot Twitter feeds. People say it and they’re just words, because that’s a good thing to tell someone who doesn’t seem comfortable in their own skin. To believe those words, however, is something else entirely.
It has been nearly two decades since I last wore make up. A number of people have suggested I should try it to ‘feel better about myself’ and only now I understand what that actually means. I have nothing but respect and admiration for the women who can apply it to look flawless, who can become all manner of different, beautiful beings just with their own hands and a few items. The process never sat well with me, I felt uncomfortable and wrong. When I couldn’t cope with what I was, the last thing I needed was pretend any more. Now I’ve found comfort in myself, comes the realisation there need not be anything other than what I am becoming to be happy.
I’ll talk about the Mindfulness course in more detail later in the week, but suffice it to say it’s the best £30 I’ve spent on anything for a very long time. If people are concerned with looks, I can entirely understand the importance of that mindset, but right now what matters more are the feelings, which no longer have to be hidden or disguised as something else. It’s a privileged position to be in too, of that there is no doubt, and as a result I’m not going to make too much more of this than a blog post. I realise just how lucky I am to be able to do this, that the time and space exists to allow my consciousness a chance to finally expand and contract.
Today will be remembered for quite some time to come.