There are points in your life, I have discovered, when you know shit is going down.
Sometimes, like Thursday of last week, the signs are too obvious to ignore. Having traced back from that point now with a medical person it becomes apparent that I’d been suffering for some time, but kept ignoring the signs. It was simply easier to write off my lack of appetite, fatigue and pain as menopausal, without grasping there might be a larger significance. Now there is new knowledge, many things make sense. Sometimes however you can overthink stuff to the point where it loses all relevance or significance from the place you came from, and the balancing act to keep integrity intact… well, it’s tiring. This morning’s fatigue is only seven hours kip for a body that probably needs ten right now.
For everything else, you have to play it by ear. Today is one of those days: life is out of my hands, and yet I feel the need to try and wrest back some notion of control. Am I overthinking a particular set of circumstances or is my fatalist streak worth assuaging? I am, like it or not, a fateful optimist: I know that glass is half full, but am always thirsty. It would be lovely to think that everybody’s here to love each other and live together in harmony, but when I see how United Airways treat their passengers when a flight is oversold? Money is the problem in pretty much every situation, and when people want to save it, others suffer. I think this attitude at least softens the blow when everything does go south: of course, it doesn’t make things any better, but at least its not a surprise.
The biggest problem is that I care too much. I might say I let go of stuff but it is always a fight. My memory of injustice is seldom diminished, and after decades of being kept out of key conversations or decision making processes because I wasn’t a bloke, I should probably be angrier than I am. Keeping quiet for an easier life is nearly always the best resolution. I was incredibly lucky, I now grasp, at key junctions in my existence. I’ve invested wisely. I have a pension plan, and most importantly of all jointly own this home. However depressing a situation can look at one spot, there is always a better place to view, and ways to change your prognosis. Those who claim to serve God may love slamming doors in certain people’s faces, but by doing so they surrender control of the windows which inevitably open as balance.
Today, I stop tying myself in knots and simply wait it out.
In my gaming life, a lot is made of the notion of effort versus reward. Do you get more from offering a sweetener or beating your donkey, on any given day? Is it not more sensible to tie one to the other and never let your donkey get rewarded? Is there any point to effort if, expansion after expansion, you’re just forced to start effectively from scratch? This is the moment where the reminder is needed, that we are here for the journey and never the destination. Making to most of the moment, not overthinking, simply coping with what is handed to us and trying to enjoy that process when it happens. Honestly, that is what should matter above everything else. Don’t sweat the stuff you can’t change.
Just wait it out.