I Go To Sleep

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I was up early this morning, despite only having managed seven and a bit hours sleep. Husband is at work today so, like it or not, I was awake when he was. I went to bed early last night too but watched a DVD for the first time in I don’t know how many weeks, probably months alone. Hideously behind on broadcast media, there simply hasn’t been the time to effectively waste on decompressing, but as my aspirations for self-employment loom large I realise I need to factor in downtime somewhere. It is my single biggest failing, learning when to rest and relax, maybe because I feel I’ve wasted so many years by engaging in nothing but.

I’m just worried now I may not get everything done that I want in the time left available.

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One of my biggest fears is wasted potential. There are so many ideas, and yet I’m never able to complete them all, and that leads to all manner of issues over planning and capability. It also caused another crisis of conscience yesterday, and the stress that caused is what’s caused fatigue this morning at bone level. I am only beginning to grasp just how important the next few months will be and am very keen not to scupper myself before I begin. However, without the moral pontification? I’ve failed my own entrance exam. There’s a deep seated promise, made on a car journey home alone from many years ago. You are better than this, and now have to prove it. 

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There’s a space in the garden where a plant used to sit that was the last vestige of an old life removed and progress made. Once I’ve done here I’ll strap on the walking boots and go put steps on today’s total, before I go push myself to run/lift, so it’s been three times this week that’s been completed. The routine isn’t just there to build confidence or reinforce intent. It has become a metaphor for my ability to move past what was bad. I cannot change time, and nor would I want to, and so what was broken and unrepairable remains where it fell to decay and die, whilst building continues anew.

I can worry all I like that I’m not fulfilling potential, but the most sure fire way of ensuring it never happens is to keep moving forward. Some days will be harder than others and as today is already ranking as ‘complex’ it’s no longer about sitting here and telling you. I need to be over there, down the road, already in transit.

Success, inevitably, is all about compromise.