Fear :: One

No, it isn’t a big deal, as my husband must have told me about a hundred times last night, but I’m still scared. Mostly that’s because this will be the first ever surgical procedure I will have had under a general anaesthetic. The C-section to deliver the oldest was an epidural extended, and I was conscious the entire time. I know why I’m afraid too, without a shadow of a doubt, and that logic and rational thought will eventually get me through to the end. I’d stupidly assumed that because physically I was fine that there’d be no consequence to this, and yet again my naivety has taught a valuable lesson. However well you think you are, if someone tells you you’re having an operation that could potentially save your life, you have the damn operation.

The consequences are too terrible to contemplate, I know. I went and looked them up on the Internet, and once I stop having nightmares about what I read, the lesson will be learnt. This is also karma for all those years when I thought I was being cool about eating badly, when in reality I was setting up a tiny time bomb in my body. It’s amazing, when I try and explain to my kids how if they live well and took care of themselves from the start of their lives, it would help them later on, but they still want to eat crap and stay up all night. Let’s face it, life is hard enough as it is without having to do it without any fun along the way.

The first thing I did after I stopped crying and calmed down was text my Personal Trainer, who I will go and see for a chat later today. I suspect I will now go into maintenance mode before I can see the Gastroentrinal Specialist (probably next week) Then we can ascertain what he considers are acceptable exercise practices until such time as they can get my Gallbladder out. It will help a lot that I lifted my body weight on Monday, that’s a decent achievement to have managed considering the circumstances. It is also very helpful to be at this level of physical fitness in terms of recovery post-operation.

I did debate saying anything on social media, but I have many friends there, and honestly I’d be a fraud if I didn’t at least mention it. However, especially with the events of the last 24 hours in the US, healthcare is going to make a lot of people very angry, and with damn good reason. That’s why, if you’re reading this, it is because I won’t be posting these updates via Twitter or Facebook. They are off grid for a good reason: you don’t need me to wave my situation in your face. I’m talking about it for my benefit now, in the main, and having a conversation with myself about how I will now cope with the journey. If the people who care most want to follow along, I’m more than grateful for the company, but in truth I don’t want to be THAT person until all this is done.

As a writer, coping with the unexpected is easier if I can rationalise situations. That’s what these asides will be; a logical process of thinking through the issue, and arriving at conclusions. Right now, I need to wake up and do the School Run so I can phone people at 9am. Then I need to talk to my trainer, and after that? We just do this as it comes.

That’s all there is to do.