Fear :: Six

Yesterday was something of a watershed. I’m going to freely admit that at present, I really am not quite right. I’d like to get today done so I can go see the surgeon (with my notes and the timeline I’ve made plus my blood test results from the Health Assessment) and get everything over with as soon as possible. Time hasn’t exactly dragged in the last couple of days but it is painful, and I know why this is, because a small part of my brain refuses to release the fear. It goes into the same feedback loop and I have to spend time talking myself back up to positivity, and this is going to get tiring after a while. That’s why if this were sorted quickly, things would be so much better.

It’s been a month since my fateful evening meal. I kind of wish now I’d gone to the Hospital when the problem first presented, then I’d already be in recovery. However, if that had happened none of the subsequent revelations would have come to light, and on reflection I’d far rather have had those illuminated than still be in the dark. In that regard alone this is a massive step forward for everything personal, and once all of this fucking about is finally done I may yet be able to reconcile some of those issues once and for all. I’m also really happy that the pressure hasn’t stunted my poetry writing skills. There’s five days worth of Haiku and micro poetry both written and scheduled, and next week I hope to start my explanation of the Internet of Words ‘Grand Plan’ going forward.

Today, I have a ton of stuff to do and I’m going to walk, because I’m buggered if I can’t do at least some form of exercise , and I don’t think walking will potentially cause any long term issues. The fact I’ve done my best physical achievement in the last month has not been lost on me: it is no longer time to train however, but simply to exercise and that is not an issue. What I need however more than anything else is to relax, and allow everything to find its right level around the future.

Sleep is slowly returning to normal. I’ve done research on the operation, enough to assuage my nerves. What needs to happen now is a date and a plan.