Fear :: Eleven

Last night, my husband referred to me as hypersensitive. I know that’s pretty bad in purely medical terms, but a cursory glance around the Internet shows that sensitivity to visual, audio and sensory stimulus is something that I can quite strongly identify with. I have a trapped nerve in my lower back, for instance, that I could now trace back to its point of origin, and could indicate to you EXACTLY where the reaction happens: which movements exacerbate it, how it is healing. In fact, I can feel it healing right now. Noise variance at present is causing me issues, more than it has done at any point in the recent past, and that includes my own blood rushing in ears when I wake up.

More importantly, I can feel a caffeine buzz on the first cup of  daily tea.

Last night, lying alone in bed, I thought about how religious faith must work in situations like this, and I begin to understand why having a God to rationalise the chaos of the Universe must be reassuring for some people. In fact, being able to cover uncertainty without any need for dealing with the truth must be quite useful. Sadly, being able to feel and hear just about everything right now, whether I like it or not, makes it hard to try and accept that faith is the answer. What is a lot simpler, and for me is working with increasing frequency, is to tune into the energy around me. Effectively, I’m asking the Universe itself to help me out.

If situations become too overwhelming, I am bringing myself back to my body, and focussing on what I know are atoms and energy around me, a constant flow of air and molecules. I am using science as my ally, and blocking out the stimulus that is causing me issue. It worked to a point yesterday, but I’m also tapping into the Mindfulness training I’ve managed to get my way halfway through. In fact, if I were a believer in fate, I’d say starting that course when I did was probably the best thing that could ever have happened to me. Without it, I would have been a total mess this week.

I have PT today. I’m really looking forward to an hour with my trainer. She allows me the opportunity to be myself, and to push for better things. There is a small chance that if circumstances change in my OP walking in a couple of days could become a six to eight week lay-off. At the start of the week that would have been heartbreaking but right now I’m completely prepared and capable of coping if that happens. In fact, I am ready for anything. I’ve got the point now, why all those pamphlets they sent me say ‘people get quite anxious before operations.’ I’m not people, however. I am coming out of this stronger.

Writing the truth that flows from within myself is becoming progressively simpler, too.

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