Deliver Me


I had a honey free, reasonably sized cup of tea before bed last night, and slept better than I have in ages. Waking up and weighing myself, body has gone into maintenance mode: no weight change, but a clear alteration in both look and feel. Waist remains at 33″ and before I go all Bridget Jones on you all, I’m not obsessed, just determined. That’s why I’ve busted my ass in the Gym every day this week, and when I’m done domestic-ing here the same will be true. This is the best shot I’ve had at real change for a while, because I can feel it happening internally as well as see the difference. There is some odd voodoo too: a mosquito bite near my right knee swelled yesterday to the size of a ping pong ball, and stopped a full running schedule. Coming home, after an hour, it had completely vanished. There’s still some pain this morning, but it is as if nothing happened.


My son made a telling comment yesterday: when was the last time you wore something other than Lycra, Mum? I know why this is the case, because normal clothes make a part of the brain decide there need not be exercise. That ALWAYS needs to happen, and so if I’m wearing the gear, it will. Family is off to see the Wonder Woman movie this evening at the Regional Shopping Complex, and if I’m quick I can get a running session in before we go. However, that means I will make an effort to put on something other than a pair of leggings, if only to prove to myself that I can switch between business and pleasure. The problem, of course, is that I’m still not able to make an accurate distinction between the two.

This is a constant balancing act, I’m beginning to grasp. You get one thing sorted, and another goes tits up. Dealing with the unexpected is now an ability I can say I’ve got a plus skill to attack: the fear is still fresh from being told I needed surgery immediately, that the whole World had to stop in order to accommodate this. Despite what my daughter might tell me, I don’t want it to be about me. In fact, given the choice I would far rather it were about everybody else first.

NO REALLY IT’S TRUE. Fuck this, I’m going to the Gym.