I had pause yesterday to stop and think why I take more pictures of myself than was the case a decade ago. Is it because I’m happier with my appearance now that I’ve lost weight, or maybe that I realise I can sell myself better with an image than will ever be the case with words… there might be a bit of both of those in the mix, not gonna lie. However, the real truth is a lot simpler: I’m comfortable now, so much more than I ever was before. Looking ‘good’ does not make me feel good. This is a point that never really registered before, but it is true. Feeling comfortable in clothes, not wearing make up, being strong enough to do a 5 mile burst of exercise without collapsing in a heap… these are my notions of ‘beauty’. Those changes I now find make me happy, and I want to share them.
As I begin my Internet of Words journey, labels and definitions are subjects I will be dedicating considerable time to discussing. I already know that conventional labelling has no use to me, that it is for other people to use and direct at me as they see fit. I’m now, after a number of years, also beginning to understand that how I define myself is beginning to alter. This isn’t just the clothes or the music or indeed the basic feelings that live inside me, it is every single cell of my body. The differences I’ve felt were for years explained away because I was depressed, or angry, and often when I was both. Now I have had the chance to really look inside myself and work out some truths, I am cautiously examining what it is I might truly be. It’s a slow and meticulous task. I’d like to think I’m evolving, were that not a blatant misuse of a definition to begin with.
The fact I’d have to choose a label for other people to identify what I am so they can treat me accordingly I find beyond depressing. I have a mentoring application to fill in today, that pretty much demands there is labelling so that I can be identified as a minority. It is both annoying and depressing that this has to happen, and I hope I can find a way on my application form to express this disenchantment, and that only through writing I have ever truly felt like myself. This is the moment where there comes a reminder that expression means a clear and concise ability to do just that, normally in a very short word space. If I have learnt my lessons well, I should be able to sell myself appropriately. In the end, if all you have is an impression and a moment in which to make it, that is all that can be hoped for.
From now on, my personal post is what I write first every day, because this is the journey that matters most. Everything else is thought and planned behind that, the banner wielding front line of ‘every day, writing makes life better.’ I can only hope that my age and experience will eventually count for something. If I keep applying for mentorships, maybe eventually there’ll be one that hits the target. So what if I’m 50 and apparently should know everything? I have very little grasp of the harsh realities of so many things, and yet the implication remains that only youth will understand and wish to learn and evolve. That has to change. If I can’t do it by conventional means? Then I’ll have to find a back door.
This journey is never going to be boring or predictable, that’s for damn sure.