Fool’s Gold

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‘You’re not spontaneous enough …’
‘you quote tweeted me mate, with a killjoy comment …’
‘your arrogance and sanctimony are the problem …’
‘If you’d have done this properly there wouldn’t be an issue to begin with …’

… and so the list goes on. All of these have been levelled as criticism at me in the last seven days, and more. I remember each one, and try and deal with them in the way I think is appropriate. You try not to get angry, but inevitably it happens. That’s also the case with being upset, too. Some of this really hurts, I won’t lie, because I do remember every incident and find it quite hard to let go of things. There’s also no avoiding the fact that some of it is true. However, at the root of all of all my thinking lies a basic understanding that it takes two people to start a fight.

doIlooklikeIcare

When that happens however almost every time a social interaction takes place, it is time for reassessment. Looking at all these flashpoints to work out what has gone wrong, it is clear where everything starts. I can’t be spontaneous. I don’t agree with your definition of fun. I don’t think certain organisations are beyond criticism. I did do it properly, I made sure of that, but that ended up not being enough. It’s a combination of intractability and inability, and because I’m fighting through a quite difficult bout of darkness, other people won’t know this. So, I have to tell them, but when those people don’t care, won’t listen and find it easier to dismiss you as an idiot? C’est la vie.

Oddly, some of these people want to make it about them when its none of their business to. Having a fight with me, the Queen of Internet Trolls, becomes a badge of honor (misspelt for a reason) as does the desire to correct or simply use a contrary point of view as a stick to beat someone with. It gets worse when people don’t understand what is going on in your head and you’re forced to struggle through the words to explain it. If you can’t do that? God help you. Also, explaining that you’re still able to work and function PLUS you feel like this? How do you cope? Well, sometimes I don’t, like right now. It takes five minutes to write a sentence, and then everything shifts inside a little, redistributes and settles, and you move on.

nobodycares

Sometimes you wish it would all just go away, but there’s only one way that happens. You wish people would accommodate differences, but so many won’t (even though they’ll say they do.) You block the people who you think are poking you to pleasure themselves, try to reason with those that might listen, and hope the people who love you might one day try to understand more about what makes you tick. You don’t stop following your dreams even though other people openly deride the effort. You still force yourself into the world and try to interact with strangers again and hope that maybe you’ll make a connection. Mostly, never giving up is the key. Just keep walking. Try and make a difference. For every step back, take two forwards.

The whole thing is just so mentally exhausting it beggars belief, but if you don’t remind people almost constantly that for every 100 people in the UK, nearly four of them will have suffered from depression at some point in their lives… I know how short memory can be. Then people don’t want to be reminded anyway, because they know what your problem is and maybe if you just stopped going on about it and cheered up a bit… Yeah, I understand I’m the problem here. That’s never been an issue at all. Now what needs to happen is for YOU to grasp that if we are going to exist in the same space, that’s just not the case.

drinkinface

It takes two people to start a fight.

I’m well aware of my shortcomings. How about you?

One thought on “Fool’s Gold

  1. I can relate to this. I’ve spent my whole life never being enough/ appropriate /acceptable whatever the right word should be. Lots of ppl telling me how to change to be someone they can accept, often contradicting each other about what my problem is. I figure, at the end of the day, the only person who is stuck with me forever is me, so I have to like the person I am. After that, I’ll take on board anything I think is reasonable, try to phrase things better etc. But as I pointed out to my mother once, it’s not a one way street here. Why should I have to do all the world when no other sod ever makes the effort to respect me and my differences?

    I got diagnosed with some illnesses which will mean I’m unlikely to be here in 15 years (I’m 42). I got over people’s drama real fast after that :) If all people want to do is find fault with me, they’re better off without me around.

    I hope you find your way quickly through the darkness. I had a necklace made for myself with the word ‘dawn’ inscribed on it. It helps me remember the sun will rise sooner or later. I also hope other ppl stop carping at you quite so much.

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