The Last Time

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The last time I took a day off from the personal blog… well, it was back during Operation recovery. Amazingly, that is coming up for three months past: time flies when you’re working like a lunatic, and with today as Day One Proper of my daughter’s summer break, it is high time to park the bus (albeit briefly) and explain the plan going forward. I’ve never had more than 150 people read this blog on any given day. My core audience (points) are both loyal and dedicated, and so, saying this to you will, I know, mean my intent gets heard by the people who I understand have helped me begin this journey. To you, I owe a debt of thanks, and you deserve to know where I want to go.

I’ve had enough of drama and being dragged into other people’s petty disputes about gaming. There is an irony that on the day I announced on Twitter I knew I had to change my operating parameters, was the same one various parts of my ‘fandom’ imploded. It’s always the way these things work, after all. It was the Friday night wakeup call that was needed to detach myself from the notion that you’ll get anywhere blaming other people for your failures. The only way life truly moves forwards is when you change. So, if you’re here thinking I’m somehow further contributing to a storm of stupid, you could not be further from the truth.

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What the last week has made me realise is that however much other people say they care, the only real indicator you have of that is when they show you. You guys, my core audience… the people who say Good Morning to me when I arrive on Twitter and Goodnight when I leave. Those who don’t just engage in conversation, but enrich it… those who make me think and question daily motivation. My friends remain part of a fandom I refuse to leave. The last thing I ever want to do is ‘step back’ from being part of something so important, and now I know why. I’ve had enough of other people telling me how shit the people are whom I love and hang out with.

They are not the problem.

I am.

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The ultimate indignity was when I was told ‘its okay, it’s not about you’ as if this makes everything suddenly fine. I’m a part of this place the same as everybody else, and when someone shits in our yard, it is the collectives responsibility to clean it up. Our society is based on the notion that if we all contribute, it isn’t someone else’s task to pick up the rubbish, or look after our kids or even take care of our elderly. You don’t just pay someone else to take the problem away, you contribute to making that process easier. Understanding mistakes happen and not suing people when things go wrong, unless those people were genuinely negligent used to be the way it worked too. Somewhere between my childhood and now, society’s become so fucking me-centric as to beggar belief, and it is beginning to destroy what we own.

I took time on Saturday to address a lot of RL issues that needed discussion. Because I’m lucky enough to have married a man with empathy and understanding, the path forward is now remarkably clear and easily navigable. Sadly, I cannot find that same combination of factors with many people I encounter online, and so this makes that journey a lot harder. As a result, it is time to set a few things straight, if only to see exactly who is paying attention. This, like it or not, is the medium where I live and work. Twitter is the conduit between people and my life. Knowing all that, here’s the deal going forward.

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I’m going to make my Patreon a success. I have changed my mind over the merits of being paid to write. I would NEVER base any crowdfunding around using fandom to make money, because that’s a complete waste of time for everybody. I care enough about my writing to push it, swearing, confrontation and all, and if you don’t like the idea of paying me to make things you might not like, that is your choice. I refuse to be disabled by other people’s warped notions of what constitutes success any longer. I know what I want. It’s over there. I’m going to go and get it.

The people who genuinely care about me are abundantly obvious these days. I can see them miles away. To them, I am really, REALLY grateful not simply for the support but understanding that sometimes, you need to have the space to fail before you can succeed. I am going to find ways to thank you, every one, and make sure that the world knows what good people you are. I’m tired of having to chase the uncaring or have them moan at me for not taking care of their needs. That is not how proper relationships work. It is time to make changes that truly resonate as right and fair, in all regards, and that doesn’t mean me just taking stuff. It means giving back.

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It is not often I can pull 1000 words out of nowhere, but it happens when there’s genuine desire within to make things better. I’ve had enough of being held back by the stupidity of others. The only way people really love you is when you allow that to happen in return, when your heart opens and there’s an acceptance that, like it or not, shit hurts. All this fake posturing and thrashing does no-one any good, in the end. If you want something badly enough, stop pretending and start doing. Set realistic goals, work FUCKING HARD and stop moaning that the World owes you something, because it doesn’t. You will live and die alone and in the space in between? You don’t want to be quoted in your own Obituary as ‘that person who was an Internet celebrity.’

Find a better way to define yourself, and do it now.