Can’t Do


History is on a lot of people’s minds of late: how it can be selectively re-written, that some believe parts of it never happened… and that if we’d take a moment and learn from the past, a lot of the present would be far more liveable. Selective memory is a problem too: you’ll remember the good times and forget the bad… or perhaps it is the other way around. However you individually perceive the passage of time, inevitably you’ll be too close to event to to begin with. Only with the benefit of time and reflection does the real truth emerge. Inevitably your version of history will agree with others to a point.

I’ve fucked up a lot in my life, and there are those people who’ll tell me I’m too hard on myself and they’d be wrong. It has only been through decades of learning what’s right and what isn’t then constantly reassessing those choices that any progress has been made. It still all falls apart, but the comfort I take when this happens is that the periods between disaster are getting longer each time. Trying to take a long term view of history also allows my mind the ability to deal with problems and fully understand solutions. The problems inevitably arise when you try and communicate, and stuff just doesn’t go as you wish.


There are days like today when, if you gave me a wish, I’d ask to just stop time so I can fix all the mistakes and make everybody happy. No, it won’t happen, and if I’d been a smarter woman I’d have never opened mouth to begin with. However, there comes a point when you grasp that however much work gets poured into an endeavour, it is never just your venture to dictate and power. Like it or not, and with the best will in the world, you can never provision for the unexpected. For every apparent success story, there will always be a negative consequence.

I can try as much as possible to be better, not add to drama, to refuse to contribute to the negative but sometimes, you just fuck up. What amazes me, and continues to do so, is what happens when the instigator is someone else. Admitting liability is one of the easiest things in the World to do when one can understand failure. When you live and breathe it every single day, it becomes remarkably simple to grasp. Explaining that to someone who doesn’t understand is, ultimately, the most fruitless task you will ever attempt, and it can break your heart.


I mention all this today because someone has drifted back into my social media circles  who pretty much gave me the massive finger a while ago, because they didn’t like my behaviour. Now they are back, there is a bewilderment as to their attitude, and why they chose to be the way they were. No, I have no desire to ask, and on reflection when I’m done I’m gonna go block them wherever they can see me. It also makes a financial decision a lot easier in the long term, but that’s beside the point. If you want to be an adult, that comes with consequences. I’m continually staggered at how little some people are prepared to deal with when challenged.

If a relationship matters enough, it is worth the work. If, when challenged over an attitude or a reaction your reaction back is to start a fight, you are the one at fault. Although it takes two to have the argument, it only requires one person to start. When that’s me, I’ll now deal with the consequences like the woman I am. When someone else is at fault, I’d expect them to do the same. The disappointment in life for me now is that so many people won’t admit their share of blame, and allow everybody a chance to move on.

In that regard, I know I am not alone.