I Don’t Care

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This morning, I have woken up with attitude.

Late birthday gift to myself. When I give the finger now, I fucking MEAN it 👍

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Once upon a time, being angry was often just a way of hiding how frightened and confused I was. Now, I am a lot more relaxed than was ever the case back then, but stuff still pisses me off. My husband will undoubtedly complain that this ring is too masculine for me but I like the bulk, feel happy with it on my finger. Delicate has never been anything I felt comfortable being, yet for long periods of my life it was I ended up projecting. Well, not any more. No, I’m not hard as nails and if I frighten you that’s your problem to deal with and not mine. What I am now is strong and comfortable with what I have become and if you don’t like that?

Not my issue. I’m not here for that.

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I have a number of people to thank for this improvement in confidence, and I’ve been thanking them by name this month on my Twitter feed. Andrew’s honesty is one of the overriding reasons that I’m more robust as a person, because when we were thrown together by chance (and a 10th Anniversary gift I didn’t want but he was keen on) he didn’t like me that much. He was honest enough to tell me that, too, yet over time has become one of the most interesting ‘strangers’ I have now met and communicate with online. Knowing I do not have to compromise has been a revelation I am incredibly grateful for, but it does not mean that doesn’t happen, because it does. To make life work is undoubtedly give and take, but what I now know is that the fundamental essence of what you are does not need to alter.

I will accommodate, listen and appreciate criticism. I can be flexible and find the means by which better communication is possible. This does not mean I have to compromise what counts as me, or feel the need to bend to every individual whim or request. The reality of living well, and as a functional member of society, is to find the unique combination of factors that works for you. If you are lucky enough to pitch up in a group of people with whom your outlook matches, this is considerably easier long term. However, and this is the kicker, you may never get as much helpful advice or criticism as would be the case if the situations are more challenging or difficult. It’s that adage that reminds that you have to fall down in order to learn how to get up.

This has been the best year of my life, as was the case the year before. That can only be said because, regardless of loss, the gains have altered what I will now be going forward. Only by a constant, considered evolution do we ever make better lives not only for ourselves, but those we leave behind.