Numb

I’m in the Supermarket an hour ago, buying stuff for next week’s school lunches, thinking about the events of the last three days. There are inevitably points in your life where choices made will have consequences for people other than you. Now I’m here and having to deal with a bunch of these, there are hard decisions to be made.

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It would be REALLY easy right now to just shut up the emotional doors and not come out for quite some time, except I’m supposed to be a role model, arbiter and ultimately unaffected. I can be none of these things successfully right now. I feel permanently guilty, even though I KNOW I’m doing the right thing. Nobody told me that I’d feel this much, so deeply, about decisions I’m imagining other people can simply take in their stride. Maybe I just feel too much, or perhaps there wasn’t enough understanding back when the shitty stuff happened. I dunno. 

This is why other people confuse the Hell out of me. I get that I’m not alone, that human behaviour is just contrary and frustrating to others, but all those individuals who don’t have to fret about their choices or seem unaffected by trauma… how is this possible? How do you do this? My emotions have effectively crippled all higher thinking since Thursday. Sure, I’ve kept working and producing content but really, truthfully this is treading water.

I’d like to feel nothing at all for a while.

This song is on repeat in my head right now. I have a way to go to sort out my feelings, I suppose.