That’s a lie. I care far too much. It’s a big part of the problem. Turning off that intense desire to worry about everything is exhausting. However, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been asked to reassess everything that mattered. Not because that was a choice, you must understand, but because circumstance forced it to happen. Here, I realise, is a significant deviation from the world that was previously my norm. It isn’t as if I can sit down and make a conscious decision to alter the way I feel over time. No option was provided. I have to just do it.
I don’t care about my results anymore, simply the progress.
Sure, I was really happy last night when I dragged my FTP up three points. I got happy for a bit, wanted to share it with everybody who understood that such results are significant, but that’s it. My legs ache this morning, in a fashion that tells me there was not simply result but progress, and that will be the next indicator of movement towards my required goal. However, that only happened because I pushed past the ache of the previous day’s PT, ignored the pain that would normally have hindered progression. My brain told me it hurt and I shouldn’t, and yet I did.
This is new.
I’ve pushed through pain before, plenty of times. I understand the difference between good and bad. However, yesterday, sitting on the bike, came a thought that I don’t recall having before. You can do better. I don’t ever really coast whilst doing anything anymore, it is either all or nothing and yesterday it would have been effort but not determination. I ended up needing to push, just riding wasn’t enough, because last night was the moment when I grasped there’s nobody else to compete against. I’m not doing this to win. Nobody gets owned and I won’t make somebody a loser.
This is mine, and mine alone.
Right now, a lot of people around me aren’t listening. They don’t care about anything except their own desires and needs, which is perfectly normal… but ultimately, that’s a path I’ve already trodden to ruin. I’m in no position to point out the fallacy because when you’re there it isn’t. So, the future is quite simple. If people aren’t listening, and you’re reasonably convinced they aren’t that bothered, it is simply time to leave. If by the action of doing so you make them think, then maybe that’s a step in the right direction… but the truth is probably that you don’t have that much in common. You have to learn the priorities, what matters to you above what is dictated by everybody else.
Your path exists for a reason, and you should not be afraid to walk it alone.
Yesterday I committed myself to writing a story I’ve wanted to tell for nearly two decades. Once it is done, I now know it will allow me to move past a mental block that has held me back for nearly as long. That hour on the bike last night is proof this is the right course of action. The feeling in my heart right now is the galvanising force required to push past the self-doubt. This is the path you strayed from, but for the most brilliant of reasons. Now, it is time to finish the journey you started.