There are days like today once in a while. They start with conflict, which should always avoidable, but this is the day when you’ve had enough. Everybody’s opinion is fact, nobody is listening and, for the sake of a quiet life, some people don’t want anything to do with it. As one person rails against the indignity and stupidity of Thing One, others are getting upset over pixels. Thing Two’s gone from bad to worse and really, the World outside you blurs into this unpleasant, white noise.
Then, suddenly, comes clarity.
Once upon a time, I wanted to change everything around me, and then I woke up. Some things are largely intractable, and however much you scream and shout, and however much you think you might have altered trajectories, its all a lie. The only thing you will ever reliably change is yourself, if you are able. After that, it is a complex series of negotiations and love songs to make any worthwhile headway. However, as has been singularly proven in the last few years, you can make larger change happen if a) enough people feel the same way and b) you’re prepared to sacrifice a part of your soul to make the point.
I have slivers of soul in lots of projects right now, and hope they can all at least continue the successful journey I’m making. However, there is increasing realisation that not everything can be saved. Maybe, it is time to cut losses and accept that… perhaps by writing that down and publishing the post, it has already begun. My future is already moving on a path I had not anticipated, but which is largely unavoidable. It makes me sad, desperately so as it happens, but this is not something I can change. That’s the key to all of this, the understanding of when to stand and fight, and when to walk away.
There is also a very real grasp, for the first time in a while, that I am different in the way things are thought through or assessed, that there are other issues at play which clearly don’t affect a lot of other people. Although there’s no issue with this disparity, it does make life a bit harder. I don’t want to upset the people that are truly cared about, and if that means I have to change the way I deal with them, then I’ll happily do so.
Perhaps if I show that willing, others might do the same for me.