Last Dance

I am between exercises (done Gym, about to do Bike) but am supposed to stop and have some protein first, like a good girl should after exercise. Brain is also full of thoughts: mostly they rotate around how I look at the world and conversely how it will view my physical form. Somewhere between the start of the Summer and now it became academic what body shape changes to. All that matters now is strength. Compliments, although flattering, are also largely redundant.

A lot of this is wrapped around mental changes made to accommodate a shift in direction.


Starting next week, a lot of rejection will be coming my way. Even with my most optimistic face on there is NO WAY all those awards and mentorships that were applied for are likely to end up in my lap. That was never the real plan anyway: it is just a process of application after application until something sticks, and it would be a truly foolish woman who confidently believes she’ll be good enough after a year of work to hit the target first time. Time to NOT become a harbinger of fraudulent indignation: no hand wringing or lamentation on Social media, I promise.

There’s enough Drama to begin with online: the last thing that is needed right now is people feeling sorry for me. That’s not how this works. Genuine disappointment should, on reflection, never really happen. Yes, this stuff matters, but when you pin your hopes on stuff that becomes frankly unattainable by the majority? The potential to mentally unhinge oneself is quite real. That’s why exercise has become the real, achievable goal to focus on: keep working hard, and stuff does happen. As body and brain alter, so does understanding.


Writing is more fun and satisfying now than it has been at any point in 40 years. I can see mistakes and correct them, know when to write, understand what’s bloated and emaciated in terms of descriptive background. All of this has flowed from the same process with body and exercise: this works those muscles, but after a while the same repetitions aren’t as effective, so it is time to mix things up. That’s why as of tomorrow you might not see any obvious changes but behind the scenes? A LOT has altered.

Everything is ready to go. Let’s do this, people.

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