Let Me Go

Yesterday there was a meltdown, which although much needed was not optimal when placed alongside what needs to happen this week. I’ve been bitten twice after being in the garden, body’s reaction is pretty unpleasant. There’s been a commitment to a 100km ride there may not be the legs for, and it’s not even 10am. So, why have I decided to write about winning? Because all of this is about how one person deals with trying to find themselves, underscored with the understanding that for most people around me, that is only demonstrated by success.

Achievement has become the bane of existence.


The world around me is all about the views, the likes, the subs or the followers. It’s all competition, all the time, and when your natural disposition is to shy away from such things, some days can be a tough ask. It’s especially trying when it is obvious other people are manipulating you in the hope they’ll use you as means to further their stampede to aspirational nirvana. I don’t want to be part of your massive support network, sorry, enough trouble right now keeping myself afloat.

It is especially galling when someone is trusted to be supportive and understanding before it becomes apparent that their interests and needs supersede what was painted as the collective, greater good. I should know better by now, and that’s why your Discord invite will be politely declined: there is no real interest talking in a virtual chatroom to people I need in front of me to ever know well. I did my time on Usenet, know how this works out. Some of us simply don’t feel safe in other people’s definition of reality.


The disparity comes home most clearly in situations where you observe others talking, without you in the conversation, something Twitter now conveniently sticks in your timeline out of a mistaken belief that if you follow two people, knowing what they talk about without you involved is a good idea. It really isn’t, and the reality of having everybody on tap 24/7 soon begins to wear. It also makes severing toxic and unsuitable relationships considerably more stressful.

This is why gravitating towards those people who don’t view everything as a competition so much more sensible, if only to remain sanity. When you have bigger issues to consider, that completing the race is hard enough, winning stops having any kind of meaning.

Sometimes, it is more sensible to never to take part at all.

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