Yesterday, rather unexpectedly, I find myself completely alone in the house. Daughter went to Granny, son went to girlfriend, and husband is in Italy fulfilling a dream. As I sat on my own, there was nobody else to worry about or look after. Suddenly, the understanding of what I want to do became remarkably clear, and I’m doing parts all wrong. Looking after myself, what I’d do to relax is woefully deficient. Occasionally it needs the correct prompt to push everything off the table.
Last night, that was V for Vendetta.
I keep making work for myself, almost as if it’s to cover for the feeling there’s not enough in my life: whenever there’s relaxation, I’m almost too scared to let it happen. A lot of this is to do with being able to trust myself to survive and cope when inactive. That might sound odd to some of you, but there’s such a complex balancing act on most days inside my brain that nothing is somehow… well, a failure. I’d never watched this movie complete before and am now so very glad I did. Occasionally, you need to be reminded what you have before it’s gone.
The scene I found most upsetting, and which will haunt me for some time, is a moment when history repeats itself and a helpless protagonist is incapable of altering her reality. The only way to personal freedom is undoubtedly to release ourselves from the mental shackles that aren’t placed there by others, but ourselves. I’ve been so wrapped up in what I believed other people expected of me that the true goal’s beginning to be lost. Sitting here still alone yet not afraid of what that means, it is time to make good on what is being learnt.
That means that, for a while, this place is the only one that I’ll be regularly updating. The writing stuff is almost at a self-sufficient stage (as it happens) and there’ll be more work on that in November but really, truthfully, it is time to evolve past the reasoning that began the journey here. If I am to be a part of something, let it be entirely of my creation and not what other people consider as reasonable expectation.
Let’s see how this works moving forward.