This morning, for the first time in memory, I said what needed to come out of my brain in the exact right order, and with totally the correct cadence. This is of course patently untrue, there will have been countless times before when this took place. The crucial difference between those and here is that, after an extremely long period of being mentally uncertain of what is right and wrong, the dice have begun to consistently fall in my favour.
I went out yesterday, and although you could not call have considered me sparkling company, there was participation, interaction and only one fuck up. It was, all things considered, exactly what was needed after a week which culminated in total sensory disconnection. Lying in bed on Friday night, I was numb. It’s still a bit intermittent today, truth be told, but a definite improvement from where things were. The only casualty, such as it is, has been my NaNoWriMo, which is about three days behind schedule. That is eminently doable, should I choose to do so.
Right now, I’m in two minds as to whether to continue or not.
There’s an awful lot in my brain that is unsorted right now, looking for a home. Things that used to sit in one place no longer belong there: space needs to be made to accommodate various shifts in attitude and outlook. There is also new space that could be filled, or might yet be better served being left vacant and unused as yet. One of my biggest issues is the constant creation of things to keep me occupied, when actually it might be a smarter idea just to allow silence and space an opportunity to breathe and settle.
That’s why it’s decided that if I wake up tomorrow and want to carry on with Taeken, I will, but today is not when I make that decision. Sunday will be for badminton, remembering the Fallen, sorting out desk chaos, organising laundry, clearing up the outstanding content for web pages and generally not stressing. There is likely to be a walk too, some new playlist creation, and a bit of self-care… but no pressure. That’s the key right now: I don’t need any more on the plate.
Yup, this is a crossroads, and as it happens the path forward’s not in question. What does need to be sorted is my internal disaster preparedness kit, which after due thought and consideration is woefully unfit for purpose.
That out of date attitude is going to need to be thrown away for a start.