Love Hurts

I hate Blaze. There, said it. There is no enjoyment in this exercise class, no satisfaction in completion. It’s not the experience that they’re selling it as. In effect, for 45 minutes a week, I’m sticking myself through mental torture. Last night, after being sick in the gym Car Park, there were less tears than last time. Assuming that each week there’s decreasing stress, we’ll keep doing it.

The physical benefits of this exercise form are now largely irrelevant.

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This is hard to explain, but I have to keep going. Most people would simply stop the stuff they don’t like, walk away and not go back. That would seem the most sensible and rational course of action. That can’t happen any more. It is too late in my life to keep turning down the things that seem too hard or complex. My brain needs to grasp why it matters to overcome these obstacles.

Enjoyment is not why this class was taken. This is not about proving I can either: the only person who needs convincing of capability is myself. This has evolved from a simple idea into something far more psychologically important. All those times stuff was given up and wasn’t kept going, every moment something was trashed because I didn’t feel good enough are all queuing up as a reminder. There is a goal you have not yet reached.

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At the end of each class, everybody gets together and does one of those ‘all hands in the middle well done you did good’ things. Thus far, there’s not been nearly enough of a decent performance to warrant being a part of that huddle. It is not right or correct for me to say the job has been completed, because it hasn’t. I can’t run up inclines like everybody else, but will be able to, eventually. It will take time and effort, but that is possible.

It is all possible, if time is taken to get fitness up to a level that the rest of these people possess. Sitting here now, writing this, there are tears not because this is frustrating or anger inducing, but because attempting to unlock years of suppressed sadness and unhappiness really is hard on body and mind. Trying to explain this remains incredibly tough. Doing that in a class of strangers is impossible.

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This week, yet again, it was suggested online that my attitude to certain situation smacks of victim blaming. I’ve been a victim, and am tired of not feeling in control. My means of dealing with that undoubtedly will not make a lot of people happy. I am sure some will consider this approach not only less than optimal, but quite possibly completely contrary to what would be considered as ‘correct.’

Nobody is telling you how to live your life. This is not medical advice. This blog is not authorised to dispense wisdom. Should you choose to ascribe to these lifestyle choices they will be painful, difficult and throw you into a measure of mental chaos. The result however continues to provide multiple positive effects, and a continued strength and belief in self-ability. NOT EVERYBODY IS THE SAME.

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Finding people who understand is tough, but it is getting easier. Being able to explain the issues helps, and then there’s the continued benefits of fitness on mind and body. In the end, we’ll just keep doing this class until it becomes habit, and maybe then it’ll become fun. For now, the pain and anxiety is part of what was signed up for. To overcome my fears brings greater strength and depth to a soul that has been overlooked for far too long.

Next week is already booked. Lets’ see if we can not cry at all for the entire evening…