DAY 3: No exercise, wood cooked pizza, video games. How was your Friday night?
Happiness is an odd thing. You can be down and annoyed at one thing and then, suddenly BANG you’re on Cloud 9, giddy with possibilities that never even existed a moment previously. That, I realise, is why coping with success must be quite tough for those whose emotions don’t normally work this way. I’ve spent a lifetime swinging crazily from one extreme to another, often without warning. Only now come the realisation how useful this is going to be moving forward.
No word on what happened yet, but there will be, you can bet many things on that. What yesterday has done in my brain is dislodge a lot of concern over Stuff in the Past where, it is likely, brain was far too harsh on self’s ability and capability to produce what was needed. There’s also a realisation that, quite probably, that not gaining opportunities that were craved so badly in the past have nothing to do with my ability, but people not liking what I was.
I was the toxic person others wanted out of their lives. I was the one who caused trouble and instability by calling a spade a fucking digging implement. You didn’t diss the hand that fed you, certainly never capitalising from it. Looking back on the last ten years, the irony that this was ahead of my time makes me laugh. Crucially a living was never made a from the very thing so many people accused me of being. I cut my teeth writing honest, loving and often really difficult pieces that I’m still immensely proud of, ultimately fuelling hope.
The people who attacked me and made drama with me at its core did so for their ends and nothing else. The straw that broke everything was so fucking petty and trivial that even now it makes me laugh out loud: after that point, however, the lesson was learnt. If people are so lost in their own worlds that they only ever see themselves in what you write? You don’t get it, do you? We’re all the same. Everybody is human.
When I wrote that thing in my timeline to remind myself that not everything needs to be shared, you assumed it was about you… every time, for years on end, it was the same, sad realisation that how I speak is interpreted however the fuck everybody else wants and there’s not a damn thing that will change that. However clear and basic a point that is made, somebody will decide you’re attacking them, or using them to fuel your own delusions of grandeur.
Strong people scare everybody. Not because they’re destroying your lives or taking your jobs, but because they could, unless you stop them first. Notice the lack of personal pronouns here too. I don’t need to wave any sexual cards around this argument, this is not pronouncement at a section of society. This is EVERYBODY. Those of you who don’t like the potential that anyone could turn up and ruin the lovely Utopia you created to protect you from the horrible people in the world who want to change things and move evolution onwards… I see you. Welcome to Armageddon.
People use sexuality as a means by which pronouncement is made, battle lines are drawn. It’s why girls can’t play video games. It’s why girls can’t do most things, and we know how THAT is currently working out in society right now… but there’s more insidious things that make me realise that many people just don’t want anything to change ever. Defining your own gender is wrong, attacking those that do the only sensible way to keep humanity pure.
These are the desperate thoughts of individuals who can never look forward.
As my audience widens, and it is, someone will undoubtedly come back to these blogs and comb through them, trying to find a sense of what I really am. When you get to this one, you can draw a line. BEFORE this, and that post in the week about finally being able to define myself with words, everything else was leading up to this point now. HERE is where the game really changed, and a new direction was forged. This is the culmination of all the work over a decade to finally release myself from Depression.
Here is where everything moves forward.