Eventually, you break: as a person comes the understanding that fundamentally, deep down, summat isn’t the same any more. Most people won’t ever admit this, and there’s a sense many don’t know themselves well enough to register such changes in the first place. Inevitably, however, those differences manifest somehow. I remember the young man I knew in fandom who, one day, literally threw away everything genre-based he owned after it became apparent the girl he loved had gone off with his best mate.
I carry a lot of other people’s histories with me, when there’s the suspicion many would do their best to drop that baggage at the first opportunity. Maybe it is because I am a writer at heart: all stories are vibrant, vital threads stitching reality together. Perhaps it’s also because I can now spot lies from an awfully long way off. Those who claim to care but actually, really never gave a fuck in the first place. They’re not interested in you, and never were.
It is time to remove dead wood from around me allowing new shoots of productivity a chance to flourish.
That means a freshen up of the Twitters (see above) and a subtle shift on the axis of who gets spoken to. The irony, of course, is that the people being ignored won’t even realise that’s the case, because they never do, and this proves the point (if it was actually needed) that other people’s priorities should only matter if they consider yours with equal importance. That’s the key: reciprocation. Don’t bother with those who don’t, focus on those who do.
There will be more thanking of people when they inspire work or thoughts. I cannot alter those whose minds will not listen or accept change, or insist on being morally superior, because that’s how their brand is supposed to function. There really is no point trying, either. It’s a waste of everybody’s energy, so you go back to feeling what you say really matters and I’ll be here, attempting to actually change the world with words. I get why you’ll not get the relevance, it’s fine. Part of that is my fault anyway.
This is no longer about having an opinion, but dealing in facts. Facts are wonderfully intractable and inescapable. You can’t dislike facts without looking like a fucking idiot, and that’s the key. There’s a lot of people out there right now, especially in areas I’ve spent quite a long time frequenting, that ignore facts in preference to their own feelings, and that’s just plain wrong. If all you deal with is truth, lying becomes a pretty hard ask.
I have an important e-mail to write this morning, that I’ve been leaving alone for over a week now, that asks me if I’m ready to stand up and become part of something really have no interest in. My future, it is now apparent, lies down a different path, one I am about to embrace with some determination. However, without this moment of revelation, that shift in emphasis would never have manifested. Eventually, you break and in the pieces that remain there may be a chance of a new, unexpected redemption.
Learning about yourself is the most important job you will ever do.