Behind Your Smile

No jokes today, because honestly I don’t have a sense of humour any more. It’s been lost somewhere: I’m sure eventually I’ll work out where it’s gone. Normally the first port of call would be behind my sofa. However, as I now sit there to work, it’s unlikely. Between you and me, there’s a lot of numb in the emotions department right now, mostly because so much other stuff is happening in the background.

In an attempt to fix this, it is time to go back to basics.

The main reason I changed my Twitter handle is to finally remove the association I have with being a Warcraft ‘commentator’: now, it is far more than just gaming. I’d like to talk about different topics, important stuff with significance in a larger scheme. Of course, nobody may give a flying fuck when I do, but until that’s done properly, there’s no real idea of how any of it might turn out. The only way to change, is to do. So this is me, dealing myself a new hand.

There is undoubtedly a renewed sense of purpose this week. It helps being planned ahead, that I’ve already knocked off one thing on the To Do list with clear air to spare, that what needs writing is somehow less stressful than it was before. I’m not sure how that’s worked, but maybe it has something to do with accepting my shortcomings a lot more readily. If something is written and I am proud of it, that is enough. All the polish in the world won’t change someone’s mind if that’s not what they’re looking for.

Eventually, this is the killer blow: I need someone to cut me a break who’s not got a precise idea of what it is they want from an award or a prize, who is willing to work on instinct and maybe take a chance on the unknown girl with the shortcomings. Most of the time, there is no brief. There’s the most basic of instructions. Write to the theme of ‘Banana’, present your very best work. Even if you do both of these, you may not even make it past sorting.

This is a horrible place to be sometimes, but it is undoubtedly part of the journey.


If all else fails, of course, I can just make a cuppa and pretend everything is fine, like the good Brit I am. That’s got me through most of Brexit thus far, I have no doubt this will be no different. Whatever happens this week, at least it’s a step closer to Easter and some time with the family…

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