Three weeks worth of counselling done. One quarter of my set allocation. Will I need any more after this? I dunno, but if there’s honesty over the usefulness of the process thus far, I’m a good distance forward in progress than was true at the starting point. It is NOTHING to do with what’s being asked of me either, but what is willing to be given and dispensed with to move forward. That’s a big deal. It’s not you, it’s definitely me.
Last night’s Blaze was paced. Actual, proper understanding of what I had in terms of energy, what was doable in the space, how much energy got burnt. Core strength has been the perennial weakness up until now, not any more. I’ll heart rate belt myself for both sets of exercise tonight and yes, we’re gonna go for it. I’m no less physically prepared, mental strength is the key to that door being unlocked.
There is also a wonder this morning: is this what it’s like for everybody else? Does ‘normal’ allow ability to build on progress in a structured, unemotional fashion? Can you move forward without all that shit that seems to disable or derail? Is it about understanding yourself and the abilities within, or releasing the need to be a certain way, acting in a particular fashion… I wonder.
Part of me knows the answer to this, and it won’t be popular.
No, I’m not. I’m wrong and hold myself back from potential progress because there’s not the proper understanding of capability. I become the hindrance to progress and progression because of fear, and trepidation. Releasing myself from those emotions is incredibly, staggeringly hard but once it takes place (as it did last night) the transformation is unbelievable. So much is possible, if I can believe.
Once you can, the normal coping mechanisms become unnecessary. Historical desires become largely unnecessary. Once upon a time I’d have been really hyped for the Bond 25 launch today, for instance: really don’t care any more about either franchise or direction. It’s a dinosaur, relic of past interest, and is no longer required for future progression… and is being recycled, in most wicked fashion possible.
The latest long form work, allowing me means to move from old fiction practices and into new ones, is a story about spies. The influences littered within owe a debt of thanks to the two pieces of Bond fan-fiction I remain insanely proud of. I have no idea if this is any good enough but I am having IMMENSE fun writing it, and losing myself within the narrative. The three main protagonists are all strong, brilliant women.
Honestly, I’ve never been happier.