Today, I am not the same as I was yesterday. It is an odd feeling when this happens, and has only taken place a handful of times in my life: when my kids were born, when I married my husband, when a number of significantly toxic people were expunged from my life. Normally it is an action which causes feeling of profound change, but not yesterday. This came from a realisation I’d not previously ever grasped properly.
Some things will never be mine to own.
Aspiration as a kid is a funny thing: you’re told anything is possible, that you can be whatever you want, but it’s a lie. Finding peace with yourself in those circumstances is a hard ask. I know this from decades of personal experience. Even with the support you need, tools that allow a measure of understanding and manipulation of your circumstances and environment, ability is finite.
You are not cheating death. You are not ever changing certain people’s views on things that they consider wrong, bad or frightening. You will be unable to protect kids from evil in the world, however hard you try. Sometimes, walking away is preferable to trying to make sense of things, or communicate with people… and the list goes on. Some stuff just doesn’t get to be mine. That’s the price paid for understanding yourself.
I would now far rather own this self awareness than ever swap it for a pile of cash or the ability to somehow become hugely successful. I’ve seen what happens with that plot line in other people’s narratives, and it concerns me greatly. Fame is not the panacea many people seem to believe is the case, and yet it appears to stop very few from trying to attain it. It isn’t the state of being known however I think that matters most of all.
It is attention that becomes more important than anything else.
Watching other people live their lives vicariously through social media’s taught a lot of lessons over the last decade or so, but by far the most important one remains that it is no substitute for personal peace. If everything has to be discussed or announced via public dissemination, you really are doing something fundamentally wrong. If your fans are more important than your own existence… nope. Just, no.
As life continues to alter for me, as further events inevitably colour and influence my personal ability to grow and develop, so does the inescapable realisation of inevitability. Some people still don’t get it, and I doubt they never will. Life, as far as they are concerned, just looks and sounds different to your version. However hard they try, inevitably, they will never see what you do. The decision after that is simple.
Is it worth being part of each others’ lives?
Tolerance is the most important lesson anyone ever learns, I now realise. Some people never learn it at all. In those situations, do you just keep trying to make things work, or is it time to change your world for good?