I had to stop the car this morning, to write when an idea struck me, and this is happening with increasing frequency. There’s also an emerging, almost infant sense of understanding that never really existed in my head until now. It will undoubtedly be the combination of my time away at the weekend with a series of current events that make some uncomfortable truths unavoidable.
On this lifetime journey, I’ve made some pretty significant wrong turns. There’s no avoiding that now, what’s done is done, except it is apparent that the consequences of those actions is yet to be successfully resolved in the eyes of others. That means stuff has to be fixed. It’s not nearly the huge deal it was pre-counselling either. All things are doable. They’ll be done. Once they are, maintenance becomes far easier overall.
Some things however I have never been good at. I’d try, then fail: for many years that’s happened with the same depressing consequences. This time I’ll try and know deep down I’m the problem, and that’s okay. Accepting you are fault is an important step forward, in the general scheme of things. Knowing you are the thing that keeps refusing to fit and tow the line is a bit of self-awareness that was never really apparent until now.
More important still is the understanding that it is selflessness that you’re being looked to provide. Is that something I can do better now than was the case before counselling? The only way to work that out is to do it, but at least now all of this isn’t being fuelled by anger or resentment. That’s the biggest shift of all. Before, everything was bad. Now, far less so, and because of that there’s a way forward that didn’t exist.
Understanding I’m different was never the problem. Dealing with it has always been problematic. Let’s see if we can’t finally break the cycle.