The Climb

Yesterday, I was supposed to go to somewhere, but I didn’t.

I let someone down: it was a Christmas present for her, and an experience for me. Except, somewhere between late last year and now, many things shifted. I’m still not over my anxiety issues, that is abundantly apparent, and maybe I was arrogant thinking that was the case. Yes, I really was. I know how disappointed I made my friend yesterday, but the fact remains if I’d have gone through with our trip, it would have set me back months, possibly years. Knowing that, in itself, is a massive step forward.

I can at least understand what it is that needs to be addressed.

There are some quite serious issues that remain with my body image. Some of them have been overcome, but not all. Confidence is very much dependent on my ability to cope with everything else, and a lack of sleep is pretty much a fast-track to disaster. After the interview on Tuesday, I’ve not really returned to an semblance of either normal sleep or capability. The weather absolutely isn’t helping this. In fact, what I will be doing after this is having a kip.

So bad is my mental incapacity that I’ve cancelled tonight’s Blaze class. No novel will be attempted until tomorrow, because otherwise it’ll end up being trashed regardless. What is needed today involves as little stress as possible, and as much relaxation as can be mustered. Then, as it’s holiday time and there’s no stress to school run? Time to see what can be achieved over the weekend.

Grasping the problem before something really bad happens is distinct progress.