Control

Normally, after five days of concerted effort, Friday morning’s a big ask. Today, however, things have been different.

Don’t worry, this is not an exercise post. I’ll stick this here however because it’s useful as a reminder as to why I am considerably less fucked than has been the case for several weeks. Physio this morning, albeit painful, was the most productive session since they got my hip back on board. I’m kind of glad now that this whole issue with bloods and cholesterol showed up when it did. The kick start it has given me is considerable.

But it’s not just that which is making the difference. NaNo’s going well, I have my gaming plans in hand… this weekend, there’ll be more work on the house. I’ve made some significant steps in making my online spaces more relateable and safer, not just for me but others. More importantly, how I view all of these things is altering. Is this more red blood cells in my brain, I wonder?

I found myself wondering this morning what might have happened if I’d not had that blood test post hospital… one assumes I’d have just kept on going until I was sick again, and then maybe it would have been picked up later down the line… when what was needed more than anything else after the hospital was the means to make myself fitter. Sometimes, it isn’t just about getting fit. Other factors are at play.

There’s some pretty significant psychology going on here too. The ability to take life into my own hands, control and dictate what it is that is done and not… but crucially an understanding that I am indeed the arbiter of my own destiny. Nobody else gets to dictate the terms in this particular set of circumstances but me, which is probably the most liberating part of it all.

Having spent decades having to listen to other people, telling me what I should be doing… there’s definite joy in finally directing my own destiny.